Discombobulated

My life has shifted from three months of running and contemplation to a flurry of moving, getting ready to start a new job, changing information, filling out paper work, etc. The inspiration for a blog entry hasn't been there. So here is an odd list:

I somehow ran 51 miles last week, with a 16 mile run on Sunday. The Sunday run went well as far as my legs go so I decided to really rest this week and then have fun at the Heart of America marathon on Monday. Rational: I got laid off on 6/12 and ran a marathon on 6/13. Now, I'll run a marathon on 9/7 and go back to work on 9/8. See?

Walked 90 minutes in the upscale neighborhood across the street from my apartment. I loved the landscaping. I love beautiful things that other people pay for! (LOL)

Been buying some new oxford shirts and slacks. My new job is a little higher up the ladder than the last one.

Actual moving day is Wednesday. Finally I'll have my bed instead of an air mattress. I am really happy to stop being a home owner.

Now living where all my friends are, I'm am reconnecting. I haven't had a friend in 5 years. But now, my best friend lives in the same apartment complex. I'm going to Mass and coffee with my Godmother tomorrow. I went to a fellowship meeting last Sunday for the first time in awhile; and they promptly asked me to be the leader for the next few months.

Got a list of chemicals used in manufacturing in my new workplace. Dang name the top 50 nasties and they are on it. No wonder they needed a "Senior Process Safety Engineer" (me).

Been doing real well with not eating more than a carefully calculated calorie allotment.

I have been blessed with skills and talents. God is calling them forth. I am to live the spiritual life at more intense level than ever. My life is not my own. For awhile, I imagine I will be scrambling just to keep my head above water; but, the early morning God vigil never wavers in its regularity. I also stick strictly to an end of the day meditation and holy listening, along with writing Jesus a letter. I try to write what is in my heart.

I walk through each day in constant prayer: what should I do right now. I have practiced and am now able to sense the divine presence everywhere and in everything; even remembering to do this periodically during a busy day.

The Secret

Hi blog world, I've been away partly due to communication gaps. However, I've found that getting the new job finally squared away and begun relocation in earnest, it is hard to be quietly spiritual. This morning, I had a fine meditation.

Lesson: The hush of Heaven holds my heart today.

Reading in the Course in Miracles text about the holy instant (15.IV): The holy instant is a time in which you receive and give perfect communication…a time in which your mind is open…It seeks to change nothing, but merely to accept everything…How can you do this when you would prefer to have private thoughts?

In meditation, it occurred to me I have learned the secret of my main problem with God. I get caught in mental turmoil because I think God has never contacted me directly; hence, I’m not sure and doubt His existence. But, when I am willing to seek silence and merely listen to the silence, setting aside the turmoil and expectations; then merely go about the business of my life; I find joy in the little things of life. I find peace in the silence. I realize I am in communication but it is not felt communication. It is communication deeper than my ego. So, the secret is to seek only quiet and let everything else go.

So here is actually what my day was like:

I got up at 4 for 1.5 hours of spiritual practice, then lifted weights, then went to 6:30 Mass, then ran 8.1 miles, then took a call from my new boss who wanted to already send me e-mails as well as mention that his wife and him would like me to come to dinner, then got a state car inspection (while I ran down the street to the apartment complex and rode the elliptical for 30 minutes), then worked on my autobiography, then ATT showed up and got the phone and DSL working, then I went to Platte City license office and waited about 15 minutes to learn I didn’t have enough paperwork to get either the car plates or MO drivers license, drove over to Liberty to get a tax waiver at the court house, went to the license office there and waited about 15 minutes to obtain the car plates, drove back to Kansas City and had success at Wal-Mart and Penney’s, then Prudential called about relocation and I may be able to get them to move me next week.

Whew, what a day!

The Holy Meeting Place

Prelude: I chose this title because this is where I go in meditation. I want this place to be more real and I want to live it consciously during the day. It is for the presence of God which I have always thirsted and yearned. I continuously grow in awareness, yet then I want more.

A Course in Miracles WB Lesson: I will not be afraid of love today.

A Course in Miracles Text 14.IX:

- In the temple, Holiness waits quietly for the return of them that love it.
- The Presence of Holiness lives in everything that lives…
- In this world you can become a spotless mirror, in which the Holiness of your Creator shines forth from you to all around you.
- God will shine upon it of Himself…you need but leave the mirror clean and clear of all the images of hidden darkness you have drawn upon it.

Spirit Flower’s Reflections:

Hence I clean the mirror of my fears, angers, resentments, little fantasies, and desires for anything other than the quiet Presence of Love.

Spirit Flower’s revelation: All fear is a fear of love.

Spirit Flower’s practice: Go inward to the temple (the Holy Meeting Place), clean it of dark thoughts, and then sit with the light, in the light, absorb the light, bring it out with me and set it free. In freedom, light will do its job.

My lesson is not an affirmation. It is a statement to my ego. All day long, my ego offers me fears. I need not believe it. I can respond to it with my statement: I will not be afraid of love today.

I am in the middle of transition. The outward changes are reflections of inward changes. I must allow the inward changes. I seem to have let go control of my perceived universe and allowed God’s ideas to take over. I lay less importance on getting my desires; or when I am afraid of not getting my desires, I talk to Jesus about it. The material world is not of prime importance, but the Holy Meeting Place is. I let go of my ego wants and let Holiness shine through me. The shining results in a world of love. I live in a world of love.

My life is not my own.

I was created by God and I have surrendered my life to God. Hence my focus is not on my wants but on His Guidance.

Love is all there is. It is up to me to see it. It is up to me to admit to myself and God when I don’t see love. God will send a Helper to help me with my perception so I do see love.

Spirit Flower is a spiritual athlete. Daily I do my spiritual work out, spiritual weight lifting, spiritual toning and conditioning. The heart of an athlete continuously wants to stretch the performance envelope. The heart of the spiritual athlete continuously wants to expand the perception and reflection of love.

I want more and more of conscious contact with God in my life. So I go along with His plan. I let Him do what He plans. I have ceased fighting. The world’s most alluring toys (money, power, prestige) are but trinkets. In the community of people, I let the love shine. I take my hands off it and let it do its job.

My life is not my own.

Shifting

Today, I shifted around which races I will go in this fall and shifted the hotel reservations.

I shifted some stuff into black bags for the garbage man tomorrow.

I shifted some stuff to white bags for the thrift store.

I shifted some stuff to my car to go to KC.

I shifted some connections with various people from the past and future.

All of this is the material level.

I can also feel my spirit shifting into a new mode of relationship with God. I feel old beliefs being left behind and new ones brought forth. My life is not my own. It belongs to God. I am in the hands of God; which is not scary when I remember that I am not an ego but light. Light does not need to be scared.

Shfting....shift...shift...

The Certainty of Love

My communication link to That Higher Power I call God is forged with a strength beyond my ego's ability to break, healed beyond my ego's ability to attack and sever. I am safe in Light and Love; and the knowledge that I am only a thought in the Mind of God, an idea of Love which can never be anything else.

I was gone from my former life as an engineer in Kansas City for nearly ten years. Four years spent in a monastery; my life on ice as it were. One year scrambling between several jobs. Four years in exile in Atchison. Deep spiritual work was completed in every minute of every day. God has been my only focus for all this time. As I contemplate my return to Kansas City, as a Senior Engineer at my former work place, and living in my old stomping grounds, I see that there is one very important difference between the me who left and the me who stands before you today.

I completely know who I am now. I completely trust the role God assigned me and I am 100% committed to the shining partnership and bond we, He and I, have made, throughout my life but especially in the silence of the past two years.

When I say partnership, I am speaking of an equality of Will; we have one Will, He and I. I am speaking of a mutuality of giving and receiving; we are expanding one common consciousness of love. My bondage is no longer to the small ego self. My bondage is voluntarily transferred by my decision and follow-up actions to That Oneness I call God. There is no other loyalty for me but to the One Will. I say this with confidence because my bondage is a conscious awareness. My bondage is solid, firmly remembered, impossible to cast aside for worldly trinkets or useless ego pursuits.

I need not fear because I walk with Light always, hear His Voice always. I am healed.

I am not special. God invites everyone into conscious communion. We need only follow His help.

The Meaning of Endurance...

I got up with the alarm at 3 this morning; thunderstorms in the vicinity. I wanted to do my long run today, and go to a fellowship meeting in Kansas City at 10. The only way to get to the meeting is to drive to KC first and then do the run; which suits me because I wanted to use the flat dirt trail in the park down there. I checked the radar. It looked like my home town was done with the rain, but KC was right on the edge. There was a teeny tiny itsy bitsy line of red colored storms; that should be past by the time I got there. So I decided to go to KC for running and fellowship.

The loop around the park is 2.7 miles (a tad more than 4k). I parked my car and put the cooler beside it with water, Gu, and a pb sandwich. I started my run at 5 am, still dark, 75F, lightening and thunder but no rain.

By the end of the first lap, it was a little drippy.

Second lap, I got drenched. Then it let up. I thought that would be it.

Third lap, I got drenched. It is still somewhat dark with continuous rumbles overhead. Then it let up. I thought that would be it.

Fourth lap, I got drenched. Then it let up. I thought that would be it.

When should a runner get out of the rain? An hour ago I guess.

Fifth lap, I got drenched. Then it let up. I thought that would be it.

Sixth lap, I got drenched. Then it let up. It takes over three hours for me to give up hope. 2/3 of every lap is in a downpour and then it lets up just to taunt me.

When should a runner get out of the rain? Two hours ago I guess.

Seventh lap, I got drenched. Then it let up. Maybe I should have stopped this time. I thought about it. Why do one more lap? Isn't 18.9 miles in a little under four hours enough? I guess not.

Eighth lap, I got drenched. The wind picked up. I almost cried. I think I came close to a transcendental experience when I reached the point of crying. Then it let up. So I added a partial lap so I would have an even 22 miles.

Four and a half hours in the rain...

67 miles of jogging this week.

Spirit Flower's How to be Happy

1. Identify and list: unhappy situations, persons affecting you, places, or things; feelings of guilt, shame, fear, anger, irritation, annoyance, unfairness, or lack no matter how small; all grievances against anyone or anything, no matter how small; all idle wishes or fantasies; all past hurts, hates, etc.. Making this list will need to be done over and over, perhaps over several years. Follow the following steps each time you make a list (ideally every day).

2. Look inside and see only a holy fire of love called Atonement. Any darkness, unbelief, fear or guilty feeling about this should be added to the list.

3. Realize that this holy fire is love, you are love and love is all there is anywhere and everywhere. Any other beliefs are lies and illusions and should be added to the list.

4. Achieve peace in the presence of the fire of Atonement. Feel safe there. Practice this.

5. Gently feed the items on your list into the fire. They will be undone by the Atonement.

6. Now you are free.

7. Go running! (my way of saying, have fun, be happy)

ps: If you want to talk to the flame or call it Jesus, or Christ, or Tao, do so. It will help you.