Playing with Love

In solitude and silence,
Love will be my light;
dark drunk defiance,
my own demons I fight.

Dedicated to Love,
through emerald eyes I gaze.
Heart pumping, thoughts streaming,
I chase Love through the maze.

A sugar mountain loomed large.
I veered down gasoline alley.
Through the vapors of death,
My strength Love's call rallied.

I revived on Love's Mount;
soul sickness purged, I was free.
Love stood erect and open.
Power impaled me.

Eternity thereafter my dwelling.
Love's light a seamless space.
My pieces together gathered.
Love's cloister the silence of grace.

Continuing the Journey

Midway in our life's journey, I went astry from the straight road and awoke to find myself alone in a dark wood. (Dante's Inferno)

White Bird Flies Free

Psalm 119:129,30:
Your decrees are wonderful; therefore I obey them with all my heart.
When Your Word goes forth it gives light; it gives understanding to the simple.

I live 1.5 minutes from work, and go home for lunch. I get a little prayer time that way. Today, as I was pondering that Psalm, the following thought came into my mind:

"Spirit Flower, you have studied A Course in Miracles (ACIM) enough to know:

• how to forgive; thus realizing Oneness and joining the Sonship;
• that this ego world is a dream, the separation never happened and you are a thought in the Mind of Love;
• to take your ego's inventory and give the darkness to the Holy Spirit's light for healing and correction;
• to choose again, accepting the Atonement;
• to listen to the Voice for God;
• and to be responsible for your part/function, allowing yourself to be a channel for miracles.

Spirit Flower, that is it. You have learned The Course. Now just go live it."

I realized that ACIM is no different than engineering school. You learn the concepts and then use them in your work. You do not need to keep beating yourself over the head with first year physics. You may decide to take ongoing education, of course. But you do graduate from college and you do go on to live your profession. Self just explained to me that I am living my ACIM profession. No sense in complicating it any further.

I am free.

Darkness

Well, well, well. So what, so what, so what.

"...the Call to awake is within you."

Jesus said we would take my fear inventory. Yesterday, I revisited the old fear that I am well familiar with: fear of others. I fear others. Maybe they will take my money, my security, my self esteem; and leave me hurt or struggling. My life has been about defending myself from "them." My ego firmly states, "They are my problem." On an intellectual level, I know my perception is my problem and I am responsible for it. I am the one that projected this world and I am the one that chose what I see.

"...the Call to awake..."

This morning, I sat at my table. Along with various memories, I was silently praying the name of Jesus. I realized that I was praying out of unhappiness and anger. The prayer was unconscious of fear; until...I pictured my self walking in blackness, the ego on the one hand with its anger. On the other hand was an unknown darkness: love and joy. At first thought I was walking a between land, then it became clear to me that the between land was really terror. I am terrified.

"...the Call..."

I realize my world projection is a movie of my terror. I live in an ego straight jacket. What is joy? Spirituality maybe brought me flashes of joy or love. Trying to live as I observe makes most others happy only brings me hate and disappointment. Religions (including the ACIM Text) make all sorts of promises of love and joy. I never have got that.

"...the Call..."

So, yes, I am sitting here in darkness today. I've clearly been told that this is my choice and that Jesus is leading me out and it is not really reality anyway. Again I pray, "Please help me."

"..............."

Jesus

Psalm 103: "Bless the Lord O my soul, and all that is within me, bless His holy name."

This morning, I didn't start my prayer time with much hope but ended it with deep love for Jesus and a total feeling of trusting intimacy, like I have for my elbow doctor (what could be more intimate and trusting than allowing someone to tear open your skin, chip and hack and drill; while you are asleep?).

Jesus was talking through ACIM. He said, "The dynamics of the ego will be our lesson for awhile, for we must look first at this to see beyond it, since you have made it real. We will undo this error quietly together, and then look beyond it to truth." Imagine that you have a wise doctor who comes to see you each day (maybe someone who brought you back from the brink of suicide). You have had such a long relationship that you love him. Today he shows up and says, "We are going to start going through your crap. I want you to see your source of fear. Your fear is not real; but you must look at it before you can look beyond it into the face of God. I will come and talk to you everyday about this for awhile. Honesty is intimacy. I know how your ego feels about this. But intimacy is also love and by now, you know how much I love you and you love me."

Jesus listed the type of thoughts the ego gives me. If I take my inventory and learn to recognize the ego's thoughts, I can give them to Jesus: wishful thinking...idle wishes...attacks (resentments against others)...feeling supercilious, unbelieving, emotionally shallow, callous, uninvolved, lighthearted, distant, desperate. Whatever seems to separate you from God is only fear. The ego doesn't really want you to understand your fear because you would find your fear is not real. So you listen to your ego and waste your time with idle wishes instead.

So, with an inner excitement and giddy trembling, I look forward to Jesus joining me for my daily and deep inventory "for awhile." He will talk to me about my idle wishes and quietly we will approach my fear and undo it.

While I was in the monastery, one of the priests from the men's abbey befriended me by becoming my regular confessor. Once a week, he listened to my resentments, hatreds, shame and fears; then applied the healing balm of Reconciliation. Then, a mad man came into their abbey one day and started shooting any monk he saw. My confessor was shot but not killed. I was devestated. About three weeks later, my confessor was in the infirmary at his abbey and I had visited him a couple of times. He loved being a priest and he loved his priestly duties, but being tied to a sucking machine in the infirmary, he couldn't celebrate sacraments; which he very much wanted to do. He invited me to come back a week later and we would celebrate the sacrament of Reconciliation together. It felt like Jesus Himself had invited me to come and surrender to His love. I felt that Jesus was joyfully happy that I would show him my stuff and let him heal it. That is how I feel now today. Jesus has invited me to come into his heart and he is in mine.

If you are a recovering alcoholic with many years of sobriety, the number one threat to your sobriety is your ego. I urge you to take your inventory at deeper and more subtle levels. This will ensure not only not drinking, but the development of conscious contact and living sobriety as an art form.

Life

Silence and solitude separate me physically from people. I love other people but I don’t understand them. I have chosen to enter a vast and infinitely beautiful desert. I have a flask of water, some dried fruit and nuts and a battered copy of holy writing. My outer garment is course and bland. All I do is ponder. I ponder the expanses of sandy dunes. I ponder the unending depth of blue sky. At night, shivering in the dry cold, I ponder the exquisite fabric of stars and blackness. Sitting in my heart is all of humanity. Sitting in my heart is the living flame of love. Sitting in my heart is the Voice, the sound of many waters. I am so alone. I am not alone. Love is all there is. (I love you yahhh yahhh yahhh!)

Dead Bugs

I just did some chores (2 pm). I put new string on the weed eater; which I won't need until next year. I swept up the dead bugs in the basement (grasshoppers). I vacuumed up the millions of dead lady bugs on the back porch.

I have had a totally discombobulated day. Jesus would tell me that is because I am resisting. I think it is because I don't understand the human side of human life, at least what I thought it was; and I am still learning to remember the spiritual joy which I always have. How can I forget the joy? My mind is split; lets face it.

So, I didn't sleep well and don't know why. The alarm went off at 3:35 because I wanted to pray and meditate before I decided anything else. Why so early? Because what I did was what I thought I would do the night before: I drove to the city at 5:15, went running in a park from 6:15 to 7:30, changed clothes in the car and went to church at 8.

I sat in church feeling the intangible God, but disconnected from the ritual form. That is, I was living in love as content; as well as hearing numerous cries for love. I was glad not to be full of judgment and left the door of my mind open for the Spirit to flow out. I left feeling tired and overwhelmed. I like people but can't relate very well to the average family's out look on life. And I don't know how to communicate the good news: God loves you.

I got a car wash and decided to come home instead of going to another fellowship. That way I could eat and nap before going to the monastery to meet with some people there. Good choice.