Personal statistics: 142 days until Heartland Prairie. Lesson 181 in ACIM workbook. Yesterday, I was false positive for a second birthday this year. What? Ok, I don't know how it could happen, but they announced my name and birthday on the local radio; so all day at work, people were saying happy birthday. But it wasn't my birthday! There is someone else with my name here in this dinky town? No one with my last name in the phone book, but there could be a student.
Well, today after work vacation starts. “Spirit Flower,” they ask, “Where are you going on your vacation?” “Running,” she says. I know my legs will hurt.
Outside of “training for an ultra,” why do a personal, 5 day multi-day?
1. I’ll probably never go to a real multi-day.
2. It is my Suprabha Beckjord imitation.
3. I want to have an experience.
4. A new pair of Sahara shorts will be delivered to my house tomorrow.
5. I can.
Thoughts on Training by Satyajit Saha
“Self-transcendence is the essence; the quintessential core of what multiday running is about. During a multiday transcendence event all the trivial nagging minute forces of human frustration and sorrow that dog mundane, habitual living melt away and dissolve in the one-pointed focus and mission of covering at least one more mile before taking pause, or giving in. The struggle of running becomes the sole mission, the all-consuming purpose of the runners’ consciousness. The runners’ consciousness becomes clear, uncluttered and untrammeled in its singleness of purpose. Just run one more lap. One more lap. One more lap. Nothing else matters. The body aches, the nervous system is taxed to its limit. But the mind is clear. The heart is clear. There is nothing to prove to anyone. No place else to be. No bonds, no cares, no worries. Just run, or walk, and be free. The rest of the world takes care of itself. Just run one more lap.
It seems to me that the other runners feel this and commune with this Spirit which percolates through the struggles of each. It is unspoken, but the runners know”
First of all, running a personal multi-day is not the same as running a race. There is no claim on finishing. No experience of camaraderie with others. There is no guide book detailing the satisfactions. It does not prove anything. It is done in silence. I will be a solitary person rounding a hilly 2 mile loop, walking and jogging, and going home to re-stock every few hours.
This a time of extreme joy; yet discerned in subtleties. It is not for training; but more for prayer. There is not really a goal, only a mentality: just a little more time, one more lap. It is an environment of infinite existence. It is a place and space to merely be.
Only someone who has considered this as a real possibility would “get” the idea of why I do this. The nuns don’t understand why I am not happy to stay there and do liturgy with them. The people at work don’t understand why I don’t do something sensible like shopping or a trip to the boat. Some people think I am doing something impressive or extra-ordinary.
What do I think I am doing? Ultimate contemplation, the darkness of unreflected light.
Showing posts with label ultra-sobriety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ultra-sobriety. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Day 145
Personal Statistics: Today I finished the ACIM Text for the fourth time. On the day of my 50 mile race, 145 days from now, I should be on workbook lesson 324. Here is the prayer from that lesson:
"Father, You are the One Who gave the plan for my salvation to me. You have set the way I am to go, the role to take, and every step in my appointed path. I cannot lose the way. I can but choose to wander off a while, and then return. Your loving Voice will always call me back, and guide my feet aright. … Yet I merely follow in the way to You, as You direct me and would have me go."
I will memorize it sometime soon. I like how it speaks of “path” and one step at a time and that I cannot lose the way. This would be an appropriate prayer for a 50 mile race.
Today I traveled for about 5 hours at “ultra-marathon pace” (that is jogging down and walking up). It was hilly. It started out cool but ended in the 60s. 12 laps at 2 miles a lap. I put rocks on a fence post to keep track. I ate 1,280 worth of calories in Succeed drink, Gu and a peanut butter/honey sandwich on wheat. I ran the last 4 miles a little faster because I had no serious aches.
After the first hour, I had two realizations. First, walk up the hills with determination and put some effort into it. Training to walk at high speed is just as important as running for an ultra-marathoner. Don’t just go to sleep because you are walking. Second, don’t allow your thinking to dwell on the future; come back to today. I was worrying about what I would wear on October 10. I was wondering if I should go in the Heart of America marathon on September 7. I was trying to decide if I should change my shoes at the halfway point of the Psycho Psummer 50k in July, because I know they’ll be totally mud soaked. I thought about how slow I’ll be at the Maryville marathon on June 13. I even though about how much to run for my personal multi-days starting this Thursday.
But all of this is nonsense. I returned to the now, and let God control each and every foot step and breath. All of this is the future; it is not the now. I need to impose mental discipline as much as anything; so I took up my mantra. I breathed in the word God and breathed out the word Love. After about the second hour, I realized there is no need for me to have any other thoughts than God/Love. It made me remember the book written by an anonymous 13th century monk, “The Cloud of Unknowing.” Many people read this book and take it as their guide to contemplation. However, this monk was steeped in the belief that sin exists so he suggested God/sin as the two words. How horrid to keep sin ever before your eyes. There is no sin. Let it go.
Silence was all around me and the only reality is “God is.” Aware of the silence, I became the Christ in me; who lives and breathes only the Presence of His Father.
Now, at home, I have showered, the laundry is washing, I’ve had my green smoothie and I’m about to start on green tea and beans with rice.
I have to contemplate: why?
I am determined to remember God in this lifetime. Therefore, everything I do is framed in Christ vision. Everything is contemplation of the non-physical reality. Everything is “lectio” and “conversatio” (monastic terms). Everything is living ultra-sobriety: the humility of oblivion and the acceptance of love. In the park’s silence, I heard the sound of the wind. God was speaking His non-words in the wind. The yellow breast of the meadow lark caught my eye. God was speaking in the color of reflected light. A solitary bird called out. God was speaking in the language of creation; the celebration of Life. Life was pure. Life was the possession-less existence. Life is the solitary walking and jogging and walking and jogging. Life is the reality of nothing matters. Life is breathing in God and breathing out Love. I am like the solitary bird: Life as such and nothing else.
Personal multi-days start Thursday.
"Father, You are the One Who gave the plan for my salvation to me. You have set the way I am to go, the role to take, and every step in my appointed path. I cannot lose the way. I can but choose to wander off a while, and then return. Your loving Voice will always call me back, and guide my feet aright. … Yet I merely follow in the way to You, as You direct me and would have me go."
I will memorize it sometime soon. I like how it speaks of “path” and one step at a time and that I cannot lose the way. This would be an appropriate prayer for a 50 mile race.
Today I traveled for about 5 hours at “ultra-marathon pace” (that is jogging down and walking up). It was hilly. It started out cool but ended in the 60s. 12 laps at 2 miles a lap. I put rocks on a fence post to keep track. I ate 1,280 worth of calories in Succeed drink, Gu and a peanut butter/honey sandwich on wheat. I ran the last 4 miles a little faster because I had no serious aches.
After the first hour, I had two realizations. First, walk up the hills with determination and put some effort into it. Training to walk at high speed is just as important as running for an ultra-marathoner. Don’t just go to sleep because you are walking. Second, don’t allow your thinking to dwell on the future; come back to today. I was worrying about what I would wear on October 10. I was wondering if I should go in the Heart of America marathon on September 7. I was trying to decide if I should change my shoes at the halfway point of the Psycho Psummer 50k in July, because I know they’ll be totally mud soaked. I thought about how slow I’ll be at the Maryville marathon on June 13. I even though about how much to run for my personal multi-days starting this Thursday.
But all of this is nonsense. I returned to the now, and let God control each and every foot step and breath. All of this is the future; it is not the now. I need to impose mental discipline as much as anything; so I took up my mantra. I breathed in the word God and breathed out the word Love. After about the second hour, I realized there is no need for me to have any other thoughts than God/Love. It made me remember the book written by an anonymous 13th century monk, “The Cloud of Unknowing.” Many people read this book and take it as their guide to contemplation. However, this monk was steeped in the belief that sin exists so he suggested God/sin as the two words. How horrid to keep sin ever before your eyes. There is no sin. Let it go.
Silence was all around me and the only reality is “God is.” Aware of the silence, I became the Christ in me; who lives and breathes only the Presence of His Father.
Now, at home, I have showered, the laundry is washing, I’ve had my green smoothie and I’m about to start on green tea and beans with rice.
I have to contemplate: why?
I am determined to remember God in this lifetime. Therefore, everything I do is framed in Christ vision. Everything is contemplation of the non-physical reality. Everything is “lectio” and “conversatio” (monastic terms). Everything is living ultra-sobriety: the humility of oblivion and the acceptance of love. In the park’s silence, I heard the sound of the wind. God was speaking His non-words in the wind. The yellow breast of the meadow lark caught my eye. God was speaking in the color of reflected light. A solitary bird called out. God was speaking in the language of creation; the celebration of Life. Life was pure. Life was the possession-less existence. Life is the solitary walking and jogging and walking and jogging. Life is the reality of nothing matters. Life is breathing in God and breathing out Love. I am like the solitary bird: Life as such and nothing else.
Personal multi-days start Thursday.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Ultra-sobriety – 147 day countdown
It is 147 days until I run a 50 mile race. I have entered NOT a period of training. I have entered a period of transformation. My body could probably already complete the mileage. I just ran a 31 mile race in 5:24. By adding the walking and eating, my body would be ok. My body does what is requested of it in my thoughts. It is my mind that needs transformation.
You will see that I mix spirituality into my running. I do this because I mix spirituality into everything I do. Why? It is my goal to learn that I am only spirit, in this lifetime. In my spirituality, I am a reformed Tenzin Palmo. Tenzin Palmo is the highest ranking Buddhist nun. She spent 12 years alone in a Himalayan cave. She said in her book that the goal of her life is to achieve enlightenment as a woman. What? Well, the male roshis do not think it is possible for a woman to be enlightened. Of course that is ridiculous; but that is what they believe. Tenzin Palmo intends to prove them wrong. My life goal, to know I am a spirit, in this life, reflects Tenzin Palmo who is something of an inspiration for me.
In the realm of running, yet mixed with meditation and enlightenment, is the inspiration of Suprabha Beckjord. She has for 11 years completed the 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. This she does by going about 54 miles a day until the distance is completed. Um…impossible!
147 days is not even 6 months. I want to develop a kind of sobriety, an athletic sobriety: ultra-sobriety. I don’t want my ego to be training or dieting. This ultra-sobriety needs to be carefully crafted, hand carved out of love and quiet discipline. The discipline is to sit quietly in a cocoon of holiness and innocence while the ego is transformed into spirit. Yes, I jog and walk and eat and sleep; but all the while consciously working the steps to remain ultra-sober. The steps of ultra-sobriety, the designing and building of the cocoon and the sitting within it, are an ontological tool used with the 50 mile race as the day of re-birth. Ultra- sobriety is my engineering project. October 10 is the day of its unveiling, the day of ripping open the cocoon, the crossing of the bridge, the turning of the page, the day of death and resurrection.
The 147 days are a preparation for the day of dying; by giving up my ego possessions and my ideas of what training and racing should be. I actually DO NOT know who I am. I know NOT how to eat or train or be a spirit. I know NOT how to be ultra-sober. Life, my ego concept of self as I know it, is unmanageable by me. Hence, ultra-sobriety is a gift I hope to receive each day.
God grant me the serenity to NOT try too hard today, to accept Your Love and listen quietly to Your Guidance, and to allow my insanity to be healed by You.
I have planned a few days next week to detox from my own thinking. I need to turn my will and my life over to God’s plan for me, God’s Teacher and The Teacher’s peace. Ultra-sobriety should be a time of peace, more peaceful than I’ve ever been. My insanity is unworthiness and unbelief. It is my own choice of unworthiness which denies ultra-sobriety and causes insane racing after goals. Marathon racing is plagued by demons. The headless horsemen are called AG (age group award) and PB (personal best) and BQ (Boston qualification); the messengers of ego desire. In a marathon I experience the insanity of fear, chasing the demons of ego satisfaction, in frenetic desperation to catch the ego gratification of AG and PB and BQ.
To live ultra-sober and run the race of self transcendence, to know I am spirit, is to enter a flow of existence and merely be. One jogs and walks and eats and feels pain and experiences the delusions; but the spirit is merely existing and maintaining peace; quietly slipping across the bridge.
This morning I snuck in a wonderful 77 minutes of jogging between thunderstorms. Starting today, I am not counting miles but minutes.
You will see that I mix spirituality into my running. I do this because I mix spirituality into everything I do. Why? It is my goal to learn that I am only spirit, in this lifetime. In my spirituality, I am a reformed Tenzin Palmo. Tenzin Palmo is the highest ranking Buddhist nun. She spent 12 years alone in a Himalayan cave. She said in her book that the goal of her life is to achieve enlightenment as a woman. What? Well, the male roshis do not think it is possible for a woman to be enlightened. Of course that is ridiculous; but that is what they believe. Tenzin Palmo intends to prove them wrong. My life goal, to know I am a spirit, in this life, reflects Tenzin Palmo who is something of an inspiration for me.
In the realm of running, yet mixed with meditation and enlightenment, is the inspiration of Suprabha Beckjord. She has for 11 years completed the 3,100 mile Self Transcendence race. This she does by going about 54 miles a day until the distance is completed. Um…impossible!
147 days is not even 6 months. I want to develop a kind of sobriety, an athletic sobriety: ultra-sobriety. I don’t want my ego to be training or dieting. This ultra-sobriety needs to be carefully crafted, hand carved out of love and quiet discipline. The discipline is to sit quietly in a cocoon of holiness and innocence while the ego is transformed into spirit. Yes, I jog and walk and eat and sleep; but all the while consciously working the steps to remain ultra-sober. The steps of ultra-sobriety, the designing and building of the cocoon and the sitting within it, are an ontological tool used with the 50 mile race as the day of re-birth. Ultra- sobriety is my engineering project. October 10 is the day of its unveiling, the day of ripping open the cocoon, the crossing of the bridge, the turning of the page, the day of death and resurrection.
The 147 days are a preparation for the day of dying; by giving up my ego possessions and my ideas of what training and racing should be. I actually DO NOT know who I am. I know NOT how to eat or train or be a spirit. I know NOT how to be ultra-sober. Life, my ego concept of self as I know it, is unmanageable by me. Hence, ultra-sobriety is a gift I hope to receive each day.
God grant me the serenity to NOT try too hard today, to accept Your Love and listen quietly to Your Guidance, and to allow my insanity to be healed by You.
I have planned a few days next week to detox from my own thinking. I need to turn my will and my life over to God’s plan for me, God’s Teacher and The Teacher’s peace. Ultra-sobriety should be a time of peace, more peaceful than I’ve ever been. My insanity is unworthiness and unbelief. It is my own choice of unworthiness which denies ultra-sobriety and causes insane racing after goals. Marathon racing is plagued by demons. The headless horsemen are called AG (age group award) and PB (personal best) and BQ (Boston qualification); the messengers of ego desire. In a marathon I experience the insanity of fear, chasing the demons of ego satisfaction, in frenetic desperation to catch the ego gratification of AG and PB and BQ.
To live ultra-sober and run the race of self transcendence, to know I am spirit, is to enter a flow of existence and merely be. One jogs and walks and eats and feels pain and experiences the delusions; but the spirit is merely existing and maintaining peace; quietly slipping across the bridge.
This morning I snuck in a wonderful 77 minutes of jogging between thunderstorms. Starting today, I am not counting miles but minutes.
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