I have several things on my mind related to this race. But the first one is: how traffic will there be getting out of Houston at 4:30 tomorrow. Normally, I'd cut work, but as of now, I can't. I'll feel much better after I get off the Hardy Toll Road and onto I45 heading north.
I've been shuffling my things around the house; some for this bag, some for that bag, some in the car, some for the cooler. I've been making final adjustments to the shoes. The air mattress fits perfectly in the Prius.
But, why? I've failed 3 times at 100 mile attempts. Either I'm just in too much pain; or I lose heart.
I started doing ultra-marathons as part of my Self Transcendence project. I don't think I've ever been far enough or long enough to transcend anything. But I still do the long distance running.
I think alot about my quest for enlightenment, or Self Transcendence. I think about my convent life and how it never could have worked. The "Grand Silence" I practice every night at home and all weekend long is more than the convent had. My long distance running is a Grand Silence.
So, back to the 100 mile question. I guess I won't know what the prize is until I obtain it. Certainly, what it means to me is not what it means to others. I've read lots of race reports. I don't think I want what they have.
It is now Wednesday evening. I've played with this blog several times today. But the answer finally hit me: its whats on the race shirt I got in Colorado last summer.
See, my Colorado training vacation was almost ruined since my left foot was killing me. But I saw this on the back of the race shirt and started crying. I realized that despite my decrepit body, I was out there completing a half marathon, even if I got last place.
I'll toe the line at Ultracentric but after that, I don't want to measure myself in comparative numbers but in heart. If I throw my heart over the bar, thats all I want.