A Summer of Waiting

Not for the phone to ring but waiting for God. That sounds so medieval or pious or pathetic; waiting for the Lord.

I have been running, reading, meditating, going to fellowship meetings, studying spirituality, doing chores, writing and applying for jobs. I have been silently in solitude; reflecting, listening, pondering, and plumbing the depths of my soul. One of my journal entries from the first year of my novitiate expresses a desire to have the life I have had this summer.

Make no mistake; I came here for a relationship with God and nothing else. The lack of evidence that anything has happened or changed causes my ego no end of agitation. I have not met any performance goals. I’ve been spending time; spending it like a billionaire. My abundance is time and I’ve been spending it.

I have been waiting without distraction; no TV, no vacations. I haven't left my hermitage for more than a few hours. Is there any point in a life of waiting? What if my vocation and ministry are simply waiting? That sound horrible doesn’t it? There is no way to make this type of solitude sound glamorous. There is no way to attract anyone to the life. I have no teaching. I haven’t written a Holy Rule; and I haven’t followed one. No promises of everlasting life from this corner.

I say all this because I am dismayed. I used to have a balloon full of hot air. Now it seems to have deflated. I accept the endlessness of my anonymous situation. I used to try to practice all the Church spiritual and monastic practices because a bunch of books said to do it. I wasn’t in a monastery so I couldn’t be a properly recognized monk or solitary. But I tried hard to do the practices so at least I could assure myself I was ok even if unofficial.

Now, I think I have been faithful to His Will and the path I’ve been called to. I am on the path which will lead me to God. Just keep waiting. Waiting is my method of enlightenment. The only challenge is to keep the brain silent and peaceful all the time.