I Hate You God!

Today’s ACIM Lesson: I am surrounded by the Love of God.

I was able to talk to Jesus openly today. It helps me to tell him my fears because then I get better thoughts. The thought, “I am surrounded by the Love of God,” can save my mental bacon today if I let it.

I started talking to him about my employment fears. I am so afraid something will happen to snatch my one really positive opportunity. What I mean is a) my own thinking will sabotage it; or b) God doesn’t want me to have it.

a) I have to ask Jesus for some better thoughts. I tell Jesus how insane my thinking is and how terrified I am of not getting this job.

What happened? I read in the Course in Miracles Text (13.VI) that time is not continuous. I read that I don’t have to make past, present, or future in any way connected. Think about night time dreams. You may have three dreams during one REM sleep, but the dreams are in different places with different images. Well, I can think of life in the same way. I saw my past as a series of both happy and unhappy dreams, but nothing more. I realized I can project happy dreams for the future. I can know I am surrounded by the Love of God now. I made a list of my past happy dreams, just so I affirmed that I can use my mind that way if I want. I realized that God’s story of what happened could be loving, while mine is hateful. So I can choose again to believe God’s story of love instead of my story of hate. I talked to Jesus about happy dreams and how I will make no decisions by myself (30.I); but let him make the decisions for me.

b) So often we tell each other, “Well, it wasn’t meant to be.” What we mean is that God didn’t want us to have what we thought we wanted. Implied some of the time, is that God is against me. At times, this is a way for me to blame God for my bad dreams. I think He wants to teach me a lesson or make me suffer for character growth. Or, I think I need God to bless or favor me in a special way before I will get the good thing I want. However, I also don’t think God will favor me; in fact, I may think God doesn’t love me and won’t help me. If reality is not what I would have it be (at least according to my ego), and I don’t understand what it really is (according to God); then I hate it. This morning, I actually pictured me as a three year old yelling “I hate you” at God, my Father, because I couldn’t have whatever I thought I wanted. So, really, my way of relating to God is like a three year old; and believe me, I felt hate in every fiber of my being when I yelled “I hate you” at God.

Back to insanity and terror.

What happened? I just realized the truth of my insanity and how it affects my life. I am here to serve. God has my best interest in mind; no matter what I think. I get honest with Jesus about what I really think of God. I feel better. I let go. I am not as afraid after talking to Jesus. I know I am insane regarding my feelings about God. I let Jesus restore me to sanity. I am surrounded by the Love of God. I spoke this truth in my mind on behalf of every human; as if I was looking around me and seeing the Love of God. I saw other people as the Love of God, even those who I think will betray me. I trade my dreams of betrayal for dreams of Love; and don’t require them to look a certain way. I keep returning to the idea of Love as I go through the day and as I notice my thinking has returned to fear. “I am surrounded by the Love of God.”

Now, Running:

Today was supposed to be a rest day. So, I went to the hilly park about 8:15, after it was already 80F, 80% humidity, with a brisk south wind and bright sunshine. I went around a dirt 2 mile loop 4 times, walking about 50% of the time and easily jogging about 50%. The jogging felt good. I came home and rode the ex-bike for 40 minutes while listening to This American Life. Then walked on the treadmill 20 minutes and lifted weights while listening to A Prairie Home Companion (I hate Garrison Keeler!). This week I had 54 miles of jogging and 30 miles of walking.