Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Confused Contemplation

I have been missing from my blog for a day or two. I have been quite busy with my employment project: recruiters and interviews taking up all my time! But, I'm sure I'll land a GREAT job in the next few weeks.

But the busyness has kept me from silent contemplation, at least yesterday it did. Today I got in 6 "laps" for a total of an hour and a half.

Thoughts from today's silence:
  • In silence I find...well...silence. In the void, we kiss.
  • I find time, thoughts; but most precious of all is surrender. In silence I get to be nothing.
  • Books on silence make promises for silence. Silence itself obeys its own rules and doesn't honor the books.
  • Silence has its own ways and gifts for each one that comes to it.
  • I should go to silence wanting only silence; with no expectations. Any requests or expectations of silence are ego conniving.
  • Silence is honorable; adorable like the Host in the Monstrance. In silence, I am the monstrance.

Oh la la!!!!! I love silence.

Many years ago, at least 12 if not 30, I came to believe that God could be found in silence. My trip to the convent was based on this belief. I still have it. I am only now realizing that my God comes to me as He chooses and not the same as the monastic gurus. So I am only now really letting go of my preconceived notions and letting God be who He wants. It is so freeing because I wasn't getting what everybody else said. I have to work for a living, but at any other time, I seek silence as much as possible.

Why do I seek God at all is another long story!

Personal Statistics:
  • Yesterday I had a fabulous 7 mile run. It was the first run in a long time where my legs felt really bouncy and I ran in the hilly park at 9 minute miles. Thunderstorms were just on their way out, so it was a little drippy, cloudy, and about 70F.
  • Today I ran 10.5 miles in about 11 minute miles. I felt great for about 6 miles and then began to feel a little leg tiredness. Tomorrow is a rest day.
  • Today is the anniversary of my transition from monastic hell to this world of real people who really love me. Six years ago I was informed that I was getting kicked out of the convent. I've been reading my journals from when I was a novice. I was totally insane with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was inflamed by the monastic social structure. (I got PTSD from a difficult childhood).
  • August 8 is my sobriety anniversary. I will have been sober 24 years.
  • Just about 6 weeks until Skinny Bear ( ) and I do the Patriot's Run. I sure hope I can swing that somehow.
  • I've been unemployed 6 weeks. 40 more weeks of unemployment benefits left.
  • I mowed the lawn today.

1 comment:

Mark said...

I like bouncy legs!! The 9/11 run sounds like fun!