Outrage Transformed to Prayer

I have been working on my psychological issues the past month or so. I've made progress in becoming conscious of how co-dependence feels. Now that I know how it feels, I know when I am sinking into it and about to NEED remediation. Since I am now aware, the remediation doesn't have to be unconscious reacting but conscious self care.

And so, there is the topic of inner outrage. I've been listening to it. As I ran this morning, this is what I thought. I think at some point as a toddler, I became outraged at being in a human body. I think all toddlers have this problem. But at some point later, I became outraged at what horrible parents I had. Outraged that had to be turned inward, since I had no place to go. I came squirting out of my family with a diagnosis of PTSD. But, unconscious of how that was affecting me.

And, throughout my life, I've looked out at the world and been outraged at the other humans. Very few of the humans were worthy of respect. Then sometimes I got caught. Some individual human became a parent figure and I began to live my life before them as a child. I was trying to do what I could to get their positive attention; then feeling massively bad if that didn't happen, or worse, criticized. Then, damage control kicked in with even greater attempts at approval. Hyper-vigilant is what I realize I am. Forever looking out for danger and enacting protective mechanisms of various sorts.

So, I can see this in my life now. And now, I am conscious of it. So I want to be free. I want to be me, the real me, not some doll that only lives to dance before others.

What do "I" want? What would I say if I wasn't reading it from a book? I asked this in my meditation this morning. I then remembered, I want to live a life of prayer. Then I thought about how I need to consciously make everything I do part of the prayer. It seemed possible. To live a life of prayer is what I call spiritual. Not saying words and asking God for things. More like awareness of the partnership, the communion.

PMA

Positive Mental Attitude.

I had PMA on Wednesday. First time that I can remember for a long time. It was only for 1 day.

I am just now learning how deeply co-dependence has affected my life and how it currently affects my mental outlook. The boss was snarky towards me in an e-mail. Part of my current learning is to realize that his attitude shouldn't govern my feelings about myself. Instead of taking it in stride, I want to kill myself. Yes, I was raised by an alcoholic and a deviant. I came squirting out of childhood with a diagnosis of PTSD. Only now do I really get how this has affected my life.

For instance, in the past, I've gone and got a new job for the smallest level of snarkiness that happened to show up in my boss's e-mail this week.

So, if I need to run marathons and practice fitness in all ways, it is just to stay alive.

I ran my 58th marathon last Saturday.

I finished sooner than 6 other little old ladies and won the Master's division. I was quite surprised to win. Usually, I get an award when I'm the only one in that category. And "Master's" encompassed women 17 years younger than me.

It is summer in Houston. Where I live, it might not go below 75F and extreme humidity until October. Every run is sweaty and not very fast. But this morning, I really enjoyed 6.6 miles in a park. It was just really great.

I am relieved to think that I'm only signed up for marathons for the rest of the year. No ultras.

Portrait of an Old Lady

See this old lady? I don't know how old she is, alot older than me and I'm 57. She is in a 10 day race and got 157 miles in the first 3 days. Awesome!

I hope to be like that in a decade or two.

In the mean time, I am entered in 3 multi-day marathons this year. And in two weeks, I'm going to try a 50 mile race. Strangely, all that has held me back from going to a multi-day marathon has fallen away. It seems like my blister prone toes won't be an issue.

I have been feeling unreasonably fantastic for about 2 weeks. I think it is because I learned a way to do daily "energy hygiene." That is, if the world is just energy, then I can keep my energy pattern free of negative accumulation. And keeping my pattern refreshed is my responsibility.

I feel better about publicly stepping a little outside the lines and feeling good about it; not guilty or shamed. I've my entire life lived outwardly inside the lines but inside been outraged by the lines. Now, I'm a tiny bit more daring. Like being more myself at work, displaying my natural personality. No more egg shells.

Like, this is not the world's most meaningful blog post. But I am posting it anyway. Maybe some day I'll be wise, but don't hold your breath.

Marathon Vacation Dream

I have a dream:

I am a vacation deprived person so some things need to be abbreviated. I don't have the resources to do a 6 day Mainly Marathons race. But I could do 4 days; and that makes more sense if flying to Denver.

That is my dream for this September. I'm already going on a 3 day marathon vacation in July.

Last Saturday, I did not start a race. Mostly too lazy to get out of bed and drive to it. There was a tiny bit of road construction which helped me decide not to fool with it. It was only a 25k anyway.

 I ran 21 miles by myself instead. On Sunday, I ran a private marathon by myself. Last weekend, I ran 30 miles on Saturday and 14.4 miles on Sunday. The last weekend of March I ran 2 private marathons.

I think I will be able to complete the 50 mile run coming up in 3 weeks. I haven't done a 50 mile race in about 18 months. I wonder how I'll do. I'm in great shape.

Private Marathons

For most people, today is Easter Sunday. I find myself completely off track with what that means. I mean, I can't remember what Christianity is really for. The story makes no sense. It doesn't connect with me any more.

Now, the Christ within, does make sense. But hardly anyone knows about that.

Instead, I did a 26.3 mile training jog. I did a 26.3 mile training jog yesterday too. I'm happy with that. I think I will be able to do a 50 mile race in about 5 weeks.

Here is a picture of me from last week's marathon race:



This was taken on the Seabrook trails. A place where I spend a lot of time.

Seabrook Lucky Trails

Boy, did I get lucky today. In the zone.

First of all, through some quirk of weather, it did not rain in Seabrook Friday night. But a cold front did pass through so that this morning was actually cool and dry.

Second, this race is a 3 minute drive from my house. No I didn't run to the start as there is a highway in between my house and the park. But I went there about an hour early in order to get a parking spot where I wanted. Then, I sat in the car doing some spiritual study. At an appropriate time, I headed to a certain bush to take care of business. Then I walked to the start area and chatted with a friend.

Shivering! Unheard of on Galveston Bay in March. Lovely.

Back up a moment. I didn't plan for this marathon to be any kind of fast time for me. In fact, I jog walked 12 miles yesterday as part of a 50 mile race training plan. And my Garmin was set on 6x1; so obviously no plan to be a speed demon today.

But well.....

It was cool. I started running comfortably; which turned out to be 10.5 minute miles. I decided not to take any walk breaks the first lap (4 lap race). I took a pit stop after the first lap just cuz it was there. I kept on going at that pace. Don't ask me why. It just felt good. I finished the second lap, half marathon, with another pit stop in 2:15. Whoa!

Third lap, I did start the walk breaks. But I gave myself permission to run as fast as I felt like it during the 6 minute run intervals. During the third lap, I caught up with my friend Robert and walked with him a little. Then buzzed on.

It was incredible. I felt so good. During the last lap, I kept the pressure in. I knew I could finish fast without hurting anything. I did it! A new post surgery, post menopause Personal Best: 4h41 by chip. 4h38 by garmin (doesn't have the pit stops). By the chip time, I broke 11 min miles for a marathon. Wow! I never run that fast in training so I don't know how I did it today.

Memorable moments: the sunrise over the bay was beautiful, I said hi to several people I knew.

During this race, I decided my fate in December. I signed up again for the Texas marathon. My reward for today was to get a new pair of shoes out of the closet to prepare for my next race.

In Texas, we have alot of marathons and many people who go in as many races as they can. I like to see the regulars: old, slow, fast, determined. I am among them. This year so far, I have finished 6 marathons. Two of these were in the zone and very enjoyable. The other 4 required determination.

Post Marathon Mortem

I've inspected the splits and assessed myself. I've bought a picture from the course photographer. I did a workout yesterday. I got up this morning for work. Marathon weekend over.

I prayed alot this morning about my mental condition. I wish I wasn't such a negative person. I wish my head wasn't so full of resentments. Spiritual tools are all I have for that problem. I needed a miracle. My work resentments were so powerful all weekend. The miracles I wanted was to let them go. And so this morning, I gleaned power from my spiritual study and took some words to protect me.

After I got to work, I forgot mostly about the slip of paper in my pocket with the words. I also forgot about my resentments. I actually cannot, even now this evening, remember what the big deal was. This is somehow the Course in Miracles way of escaping the dream of fear by overlooking it.

I've been thanking my higher self for that. My request now is for humility and gratitude. And gratitude I can take charge of and complete actions. I can get on my knees, but I don't know if I will find humility there. I sense I need ego deflation.

I have a cold. Other than congestion however, I don't feel that bad. Only problem is I don't feel that much like eating either. So, green stuff didn't get cooked. But I ate several mandarin oranges. Yum!