I am planning on resigning my job in September and moving on to phase 3 of my life. But quitting a good corporate job, even if you have the money, is a surprising challenge. That is giving up a secure salary in favor of spending your savings and doing something different defies belief systems and causes angst.
This angst has to be worked through in order to be happy. So my resignation is an emotional process. I have to face all my conditioning and resentments in order to obtain a free and happy soul.
So, 3 stories have become important ways of framing what I am going through.
First was Plato's Cave. It is a story about people sitting in chairs in a cave. They are facing the rock wall and watching shadows on the wall. Watching these shadows is their reality. Then one day, one of them stands ups and look around and sees the sun shining through the mouth of the cave. There are other people walking past the cave and these other form the shadows on the wall of the cave which are watched by the people in the chairs. My take on this: I have stood up and seen the sun, but still too afraid to walk out of the cave. The cave is the only reality I have known. Can I make it if I leave the cave?
Second is about training flies. If you put some flies in a jar with a top, and then some time later remove the top, the flies will not leave the jar. They just won't. My take on this: As a corporate employee, I have a hard time leaving my corporate jar. The way to freedom is there for me, but I still just look at it.
Third is about catching monkeys. It is said that the way to catch a monkey is to get a large jar with a mouth just large enough for the monkey's hand. Put rocks in the jar to make it heavy. Scatter treats around and in the jar. The monkey will come for the treats and eventually reach into the jar to get those treats. But the monkey can't get its hand out of the jar with the treats balled up in it. So you have caught the monkey. My take on this: The treats are the corporate safety and salary. My hand has long been in the jar. To get out of the jar, I have to open my hand, let go of the corporate salary. There are other sources of treats but first, I have to let go.
So these stories illustrate and help me understand the angst I experience in my transition from corporate slave to free creative entrepreneur. I don't even need to make money as entrepreneur, just go be one, leaving aside the corporation. The white middle class cultural template of "go to college and get a good corporate job and eventually retire" is the conditioning I have been living. But now, I want to be free. I think I can be "more" by being free.
Understand this is an emotional journey not a logical one. Logically, I am fine. Emotionally, I am breaking my conditioning and parts of my brain don't agree. The tension is the emotion. Most of us don't like being emotional. But what is human life without emotion? Beliefs about emotion itself are a form of conditioning.
The emotional journey will continue.
Tuesday, May 8, 2018
Sunday, May 6, 2018
The 5th Lap
This is a race report about the Trailracingovertexas race Wildflower 50k in Bastrop State park, May 5, 2018.
But what is the 5th lap? It is the lap you can't believe you did and what you get from that.
But first, overall, a very successful trip. This weekend was my first camping trip with my Honda Odessy. Here is a picture of the back with my cot installed:
This worked pretty well. Not perfect. Improvements are needed, but for a first try at camping, it was a huge success. I also say that this van is very comfortable for long drives.
Next was volunteering at packet pickup. I met a lady who was 67. For her 65th birthday, she walked 900 miles of the Appalachian trail by herself. Wait. What? You did that? I was impressed. I didn't know 65 year olds could do that by themselves.
The following day was race day. How nice to be right in the park! The weather was clear and a little cool, to start at least. Although there were many runners, and the race started immediately uphill on single track, the whole conga line thing didn't bother me. It was dark so I wore my head light. I made it through the darkness without tripping!
Once we could see, it was a beautiful park with lots of green. Not that much shade as forest fires took out most of the trees.
The big challenge for me was that this was a trail race in hilly country. I live in a city that is totally flat, so the ups and down plus the rocks was all new to me. The audacity of me thinking I could do 50k on a trail! So I spent the first 2 of 5 laps thinking I would quit. It was going to be hot after all, and surely my quads would collapse on me. Somewhere during lap 2, I thought, "this is what it means to be fully alive." During lap 3, I knew I would do lap 4. No heat related illness was felt which means I took enough electrolytes and drank enough fluids. Win! During lap 4, I knew I would do lap 5. What changed about my mental condition? Was this my doing or the work of my higher consciousness? Despite all those quitter thoughts, it was very easy for me to get back out on the trail for the final lap.
Having some mental gift to get back out and finish a race is a transcendence. It is also wealth and abundance beyond money. A rich experience, especially if it brings meaning to your life or knowledge of what you are made of, is worth more than money in the bank. It is abundance already in your possession. I mention my learning because I am still struggling with the idea of early retirement. Logically, the money is in the bank; but breaking my father's rules and spending instead of saving is still difficult mentally and emotionally. Going away from my lucrative but boring day job to pursue interests which don't pay that well seems to scare me. Living my life at a different vibrational order of being is new. These are the gifts of meaning and self esteem gained by going out on the 5th lap.
Well, I did finish the race:
But what is the 5th lap? It is the lap you can't believe you did and what you get from that.
But first, overall, a very successful trip. This weekend was my first camping trip with my Honda Odessy. Here is a picture of the back with my cot installed:
This worked pretty well. Not perfect. Improvements are needed, but for a first try at camping, it was a huge success. I also say that this van is very comfortable for long drives.
Next was volunteering at packet pickup. I met a lady who was 67. For her 65th birthday, she walked 900 miles of the Appalachian trail by herself. Wait. What? You did that? I was impressed. I didn't know 65 year olds could do that by themselves.
The following day was race day. How nice to be right in the park! The weather was clear and a little cool, to start at least. Although there were many runners, and the race started immediately uphill on single track, the whole conga line thing didn't bother me. It was dark so I wore my head light. I made it through the darkness without tripping!
Once we could see, it was a beautiful park with lots of green. Not that much shade as forest fires took out most of the trees.
The big challenge for me was that this was a trail race in hilly country. I live in a city that is totally flat, so the ups and down plus the rocks was all new to me. The audacity of me thinking I could do 50k on a trail! So I spent the first 2 of 5 laps thinking I would quit. It was going to be hot after all, and surely my quads would collapse on me. Somewhere during lap 2, I thought, "this is what it means to be fully alive." During lap 3, I knew I would do lap 4. No heat related illness was felt which means I took enough electrolytes and drank enough fluids. Win! During lap 4, I knew I would do lap 5. What changed about my mental condition? Was this my doing or the work of my higher consciousness? Despite all those quitter thoughts, it was very easy for me to get back out on the trail for the final lap.
Having some mental gift to get back out and finish a race is a transcendence. It is also wealth and abundance beyond money. A rich experience, especially if it brings meaning to your life or knowledge of what you are made of, is worth more than money in the bank. It is abundance already in your possession. I mention my learning because I am still struggling with the idea of early retirement. Logically, the money is in the bank; but breaking my father's rules and spending instead of saving is still difficult mentally and emotionally. Going away from my lucrative but boring day job to pursue interests which don't pay that well seems to scare me. Living my life at a different vibrational order of being is new. These are the gifts of meaning and self esteem gained by going out on the 5th lap.
Well, I did finish the race:
Saturday, April 21, 2018
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Saturday, April 7, 2018
Brazos Bend 50k
I would like to write a story of gratitude. But first a picture. A picture at the finish to remember the moment.
I got up with the alarm at 3:25. Excellent. No moaning and groaning and not wanting to go. I felt well.
I need to digress on wellness. I'd like to explain that I do not have the flu. I think my flu shot did the job. I was heavily exposed to a person who did have the flu this week, but didn't get it. Or maybe it was just that my higher self did not have "flu" on its agenda, but getting stoked on a 50k finish instead.
I did some distracted spiritual focusing, gathered my stuff and drove the hour to the park. Brazos Bend is a beautiful park with many large old trees, and is home to many alligators. Though the gators were mostly hiding today.
The day started out warm, 73F, with a light rain. I started out the first half of the race running 11:30 miles. I got in a little bit of chatting with my friend Donna. But then was on my own. My shirt and pants became soaked. The wind kicked up and the temps started to fall. In my pit stop at half way, I drank an Ensure, and grabbed some more gels and a Clif bar. I debated about grabbing my jacket but decided that since my shirt was wet, I'd rather the wind dried it. Anyway, it shouldn't get that cold. This is Texas.
For the second half, I did 3 x 2s ; that is 3 min run 2 min walk. It was after all a 50k. I started to get cold. The wind kept blowing heavy mist. My shirt stayed wet. At about 21 miles, my drop bag was within a quarter of a mile detour so I went and got it. Wasted a little time, but was glad to warm up. Temperatures had dropped more than 20 degrees.
The last 10 miles are a long out and back. As I get to the turn around, I'm amazed that even with the walk breaks, I'm really fast. I wonder if the course is wrong, but it is exactly the same as last year and they do wheel the courses. Well, since it is cold, much colder than last year, I am running very good.
So I come whipping in to the finish in 6:29 clock time, 6:16 garmin time (which doesn't include the pit stops). Since I had several pit stops and the detour to get the jacket, the clock time is amazing. And I feel very good. I am just amazed. That is my best 50k time for 8 or nine years (I'm 59 now).
The day was nice and cool. I was a little rested. Nothing wrong with my feet. I've lost about 4 pounds. My marathon 3 weeks ago was good training. Anyway, I'm stoked.
I got up with the alarm at 3:25. Excellent. No moaning and groaning and not wanting to go. I felt well.
I need to digress on wellness. I'd like to explain that I do not have the flu. I think my flu shot did the job. I was heavily exposed to a person who did have the flu this week, but didn't get it. Or maybe it was just that my higher self did not have "flu" on its agenda, but getting stoked on a 50k finish instead.
I did some distracted spiritual focusing, gathered my stuff and drove the hour to the park. Brazos Bend is a beautiful park with many large old trees, and is home to many alligators. Though the gators were mostly hiding today.
The day started out warm, 73F, with a light rain. I started out the first half of the race running 11:30 miles. I got in a little bit of chatting with my friend Donna. But then was on my own. My shirt and pants became soaked. The wind kicked up and the temps started to fall. In my pit stop at half way, I drank an Ensure, and grabbed some more gels and a Clif bar. I debated about grabbing my jacket but decided that since my shirt was wet, I'd rather the wind dried it. Anyway, it shouldn't get that cold. This is Texas.
For the second half, I did 3 x 2s ; that is 3 min run 2 min walk. It was after all a 50k. I started to get cold. The wind kept blowing heavy mist. My shirt stayed wet. At about 21 miles, my drop bag was within a quarter of a mile detour so I went and got it. Wasted a little time, but was glad to warm up. Temperatures had dropped more than 20 degrees.
The last 10 miles are a long out and back. As I get to the turn around, I'm amazed that even with the walk breaks, I'm really fast. I wonder if the course is wrong, but it is exactly the same as last year and they do wheel the courses. Well, since it is cold, much colder than last year, I am running very good.
So I come whipping in to the finish in 6:29 clock time, 6:16 garmin time (which doesn't include the pit stops). Since I had several pit stops and the detour to get the jacket, the clock time is amazing. And I feel very good. I am just amazed. That is my best 50k time for 8 or nine years (I'm 59 now).
The day was nice and cool. I was a little rested. Nothing wrong with my feet. I've lost about 4 pounds. My marathon 3 weeks ago was good training. Anyway, I'm stoked.
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Saturday, February 24, 2018
49% Race Report - Jackalope Jam
How did I end up continuing my hate relationship with the Jackalope Jam? The first 2 years it was on a course with ruts and I ended up with amazing bad blisters. Even though the second year I planned only to run a marathon, the damage was done. I was smart enough not to sign up the third year. They had moved the race to a treeless course under the April Texas sun. The 4th year? This year? I wanted to run a timed event. This one was in Texas (no airfare required). They moved it to February, so maybe the heat would not be a problem. I didn't know that I would get into Snowdrop, so Jackalope was a second choice. I had a discount code. Bammo, click submit, many months ago.
Fast forward: I had an amazing 50 mile race in October in nice cold Kansas. I had an amazing Snowdrop, completing the 100 miles. So I had high expectations for Jackalope. The video of the course looked ok. I got a hotel room. My training and overall physical shape is good: high hopes for getting 100k.
Before the race began:
I sounded great didn't I?
After more than 8:39 hours of racing, I got 32 miles.
Here is my video after day 1.
The wheels came off. Somehow, I think I was using much more energy jumping around between ruts in the road to avoid other people and rocks. The afternoon turned out hot, into the 80s, so maybe I didn't hydrate enough. There was no big issues with blisters. But after 28 miles, I gave up the jogging. I felt lousy. I didn't want to eat, a sure sign of heat related issues. So I walked up to my B goal of halfway to 100k.
I went to my hotel and showered. I found myself very much wanting to eat my burritos and fruit. As the evening progressed, I realized that I didn't have any reason physically not to continue the race in the morning. What I didn't have was a driving motivation to continue. In fact, I was viewing another 31 miles on that course as 8+ plus hours of hell. More ruts, more people. Smelly, too full porta potties. Another 90 people on a crummy course meant I couldn't pick the easiest parts of the road. The belt buckle wasn't very shiny. Essentially, I had no thing I wanted to work for. Instead I thought I'd just be pissed off all day. I laid in bed from 3 am to 4 am trying to decide what to do. Finally I realized that I didn't have 51% yes. It was a close decision, but I was at least 51% no.
Now I run ultras at all because of how it feels when you get one done. But the motivation to finish has to be there the whole time. Being pissed off won't buy me what I'm looking for.
So I didn't go back to the race. I came home. There are more races on my schedule and one more day to this weekend.
There is something about me that wants to do more in life than be employed and then die. Ultra running, or even marathoning, gives that to me. But I also have other dreams. Maybe finishing ultras is a way to satisfy my dreaming nature until it is time to quit my job. The question of exactly when to quit my job is on my mind alot. The time is soon.
Fast forward: I had an amazing 50 mile race in October in nice cold Kansas. I had an amazing Snowdrop, completing the 100 miles. So I had high expectations for Jackalope. The video of the course looked ok. I got a hotel room. My training and overall physical shape is good: high hopes for getting 100k.
Before the race began:
I sounded great didn't I?
After more than 8:39 hours of racing, I got 32 miles.
Here is my video after day 1.
The wheels came off. Somehow, I think I was using much more energy jumping around between ruts in the road to avoid other people and rocks. The afternoon turned out hot, into the 80s, so maybe I didn't hydrate enough. There was no big issues with blisters. But after 28 miles, I gave up the jogging. I felt lousy. I didn't want to eat, a sure sign of heat related issues. So I walked up to my B goal of halfway to 100k.
I went to my hotel and showered. I found myself very much wanting to eat my burritos and fruit. As the evening progressed, I realized that I didn't have any reason physically not to continue the race in the morning. What I didn't have was a driving motivation to continue. In fact, I was viewing another 31 miles on that course as 8+ plus hours of hell. More ruts, more people. Smelly, too full porta potties. Another 90 people on a crummy course meant I couldn't pick the easiest parts of the road. The belt buckle wasn't very shiny. Essentially, I had no thing I wanted to work for. Instead I thought I'd just be pissed off all day. I laid in bed from 3 am to 4 am trying to decide what to do. Finally I realized that I didn't have 51% yes. It was a close decision, but I was at least 51% no.
Now I run ultras at all because of how it feels when you get one done. But the motivation to finish has to be there the whole time. Being pissed off won't buy me what I'm looking for.
So I didn't go back to the race. I came home. There are more races on my schedule and one more day to this weekend.
There is something about me that wants to do more in life than be employed and then die. Ultra running, or even marathoning, gives that to me. But I also have other dreams. Maybe finishing ultras is a way to satisfy my dreaming nature until it is time to quit my job. The question of exactly when to quit my job is on my mind alot. The time is soon.
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