Birthday Eve

Tomorrow is my birthday. I usually don't pay much attention to birthdays because I have no family. So no one really notices its my birthday, or cares really. Its no big deal.

This year, probably because my life is in such transition anyway, the annual milestone is causing great reflection. Yesterday, the occupational medicine department at work got ahold of me and drew samples along with various tests. I will next week meet the doctor and see how well modern medicine thinks I am.

The main point of reflection came out of the question: what does it mean to be human? Or what does it mean to be alive at all?

See, I've not ever been a person who really wanted to be here. And since leaving the monastery, I've had to come to my own conclusions about why I am alive. I could let a religion tell me; or somebody's book/blog. But it is really more important for me to decide on my own why I am alive.

I have studied several religions. I have read other peoples opinions. I am a product of middle class America. So the chances of me believing anything too radical seem at the outset quite slim.

I have the following points:

• I do find myself leaning more and more to the "reality is an illusion" theory of being. Even so, I believe the illusion and act as if I was here pretty much the same as everyone else.
• I don't need to stay alive because of family responsibilities as most people do.
• I can stand behind continuing to participate in the illusion if I have a purpose given me by something greater than me. I'm willing to uphold my end of a deal with a higher power.
• The higher power could be a soul, a self or God.
• I am happiest when I surrender my life moment by moment to God; believing that the peace of God is everywhere, always and that I actually live in it. I can experience this peace whenever I chose to stop experienceing everything else. That is, if I give peace priority as the top level of my consciousness, and not the illusion of the world, then I am experiencing peace. This works everytime.

I totally find comfort in God. I really can't live without this reliance.

Quiet....

...is peace in my soul. In a very conscious way, I enforce it in my mind.

The only way I keep from sinking into utter and total hatred for myself is to continuously practice disciplined thinking. If I don't control my thoughts, they circle around and around, further and further into fear and hate. I don't care if this is spiritual or not. I need to do it for sanity.

My running since moving to Texas has changed. I haven't quite identified why "things" are different. so I am patient. I love going out for 4 hour jog/walks. I go very slow and this keeps me from irritating what seems to be a heel spur. I still wish I could just run endlessly. But also, when I am cross training in my house, I like to put ear plugs in (so I can't hear the equipment) and shut my eyes and put my mind on repeating Course in Miracles Lessons. This turns into an endless dream of nothing just as much as running does. Maybe more since I am in solitude when I do it.

Today, I woke up at my lowest weight since September 2011. I haven't been doing much to lose weight; but during my move and transition last November and December, I did over eat a little and put on about 4 pounds.

But what is becoming clear to me is that my body hardly needs any calories to maintain weight. So if I expect to age as an athlete (not becoming obese like to many of my gender), then I'll need to keep up the exercise. I can't see 1500 calories/day as a successful endeavor. But 2000 cal/day with over an hour of exercise is completely doable. I've been doing that for over a year. It is a reality of modern life. I am essentially sedentary except for exercise. I have high cravings if I attempt to limit calories very much. the easiest thing for me to do is to keep up the workouts.

Tomorrow I am going in a half marathon trail run. It is in a state park which is supposed to have alligators. I hope to see some!

No Resolutions

I hope everything stays the same in 2012. I have no need but to keep on keep'en on.

I moved and got a new job in 2011. So I hope neither of those things happens for years.

I find myself totally in love and dedicated to "The Goal of God" in this lifetime; as a student of A Course in Miracles. In fact, to say I am totally head over heals in love with God and the Course material is an understatement.

I'm going to be 53 in a few days. When I was younger, I don't think I reflected on what that would be like. I can only frame my life in it's spiritual quest; of which endurance training is a part. I do not life in the main stream of society. Running and physical fitness is one of the ways I renounce the world.

I am the owner of a new duplex in Texas. I still walk downstairs and look around the living room and can't believe I own this place. It is very much a palace to me. It is also the most practical thing for me to live in given the current circumstances of my life. I do not know what anything is for. The purpose of God is all I really care about.

That I live in Texas was not in the plans for 2011. So I do have to wear the garment of the world loosely. I can't really say what the illusion I project will look like.

I have a spiritual creed. I occupy my mind with these thoughts, along with the ACIM work book lessons. When I am running or working out on my equipment, I keep repeating these spiritual thoughts instead of letting my mind wander down dark corridors of fear. The creed hasn't changed for months. I touches me deeply and I cling to it. Some of it can only be interpreted by Course students. Terms (like forgiveness, miracle, innocent, Christ vision, atonement, truth, love, holy instant, mind) have different meanings than those used by non-Course people.

Father in my soul's name remind me of,
Your love for me and of my love for You.
If I am afraid I am deceived.
I am spirit, Grace means most to me.
Fear is lack of love. Atonement heals.
Expanding love is my reality.


In the holy instant I forgive.
Miracles come forth as love expressed.
I am not alone my soul is here.
My soul is the undoing of the dream.
The Holy Spirit is the Voice for God.
I hear Him speak quietly in my mind.


Giving and receiving are the same.
True appreciation is my gift.
The innocent see perfection truly.
Christ vision is where they put all their faith.
My mind holds only light and it shines out.
I see God's majesty in all others.


God is not symbolic. Love is fact.
His peace is always firm. Love I believe.
Into Your hands I commend my spirit.
And so my mind awakens from the dream.
Eternal Silence lives It's life in me.
Still and silent Love has set me free.


Truth is my commitment. Joy I am.
Love is my intention. Silence seen.
Love based thinking is my one desire.
Inner peace is what I really want.

I don't mind.....

.....that God is my life; I have no life but His.

The Experience of God

Theophany! Take it and love it.

You know what a symphony is right? Or an epiphany? Well, lets say that a theophany is a symphony of God. I think I have these alot. They are quite subtle.

Last evening, I was beginning one of my ACIM workbook lessons which said: God is with me. I live and move in Him. Of course, that line is in the bible too. Nothing new. In reading the paragraph that goes with this, I believed. I felt my belief. It was an experience of God. "...the food by which I am sustained..."

I had just been to Super Target to buy groceries. It seemed lots of stuff was for sale, even in foods. Some shelves were bare, although the store was quite empty when I was there around the 6 pm hour. As I reflected on the lesson and the visit to Target, I believed that everything was solid love. That if God is love and knowing God is knowing an experience of love, Target seemed like an experience of love. And of course it was easy to expand the feeling of love to everything in my life both past and present.

As I lay in bed last evening, I had a new thought. I thought I could almost hear the celestial music. Now, that was a theophany as wonderful as Target.

Tomorrow's lesson: God is my life. I have no life but His.

Really. Let go.

The Yoke of God

There are people who decide to put their lives in service of religion, whether secular or monastic. As a result of taking up these responsibilities, they receive the approval of the religious community and the belief that God is also happy with them. As they carry out their religious role and responsibility, they also have engaged certain chemical functions in the brain called the dopamine reward cycle.

So the result of religion is a steady drip of dopamine which provides a sense of well being. Like any addict, the person will defend their religious practices to the death; maybe not even knowing that they are defending an addiction, not anything that really has to do with God.

Wait a second! What did I just say? "...not anything that has to do with God?"

Yep, either God is every where and equally FOR everyone no matter what, or God is a selfish angry bastard which I want nothing to do with. All religions think they are special to god. The bible describes the angry version of god. I studied the bible in various venues from Roman Catholic Seminary to atheist publications to scholars in Ivy League universities. I no longer believe it is 100% true or sacred. While beautiful and containing wisdom, there are plenty of other documents which are beautiful too.

It is very difficult to leave a belief system because you lose the dopamine reward it was providing. To do without the approval and the dopamine is very frightening and depressing. But, to think different thoughts than the main stream of people, you have to step out of the stream. It is difficult to dare to be different. It is difficult to brave the disapproval of the group.

If there is one monastic practice I've kept strongly, it is renunciation of the world. But I live here, so I renounce by taking myself out of the mainstream. There are numerous ways to not-go-along with the group. When you add them up, it produces a different out look on life. To have different thoughts, you have to get away from the main stream thoughts.period.

I don't want my life to be one dopamine reward cycle after another. I don't want my God to be a function of dopamine. In not-going-along, I lose my dopamine rewards. So happiness and life satisfaction has to come some other way. God has to have some other basis for being.

I do study some spiritual material, but it is not an evangelical matter. I can't even explain it here. The text has to be studied and digested. It's thesis is not at all what is taught to most people.

Operation Jack 2011

Today I ran a half marathon. I paid $50 to enter a race that had no clock and not even an official course. But the RD said that from 25 people (or so) $1,500 had been raised for autism research.

For some reason, I think that is pretty phenomenal. I'm happy about it.

Oh, I wore some wonderful new CWX tights. I cruised at easy pace for 13.25 miles (Garmin) in 2h27.xx min.

I am astounded that to drive just across town, in Houston, in 40+ miles and $3.00 in tolls.

I am full of energy and excited for ongoing physical fitness. Yes, I have a living room full of aerobic equipment and I otherwise run alot. I feel great. I feel happy. On 1/8, I'm to go in a full marathon in a park that is supposed to have alligators. On 1/12, I turn 53. I just started a new job (same company), moved to Texas and bought a super NEW home.

I love my spiritual studies. If nothing else, they give me emotional stability.