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From Egomaniac to Peace

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) text, 19.IV: “The peace He (Holy Spirit) lay, deep within you and your brother, will quietly extend to every aspect of your life, surrounding you and your brother with glowing happiness and the calm awareness of complete protection…The Holy Spirit asks that you offer Him a resting place where you will rest in Him…when you look with gentle graciousness on your brother, you are beholding Him (Holy Spirit)…The Holy Spirit’s purpose rests in peace within you.”

SF’s reflection: Last night, as I meditated, I realized a thing to which I cling. In my silence, I have always hoped to find a “real” thought, a thought of clarity and magnificent greatness. This desire cuts to the heart of my ego’s quest to be greater than God. I knew in that moment, I would never return to Heaven because it might mean giving up the hope of individual greatness. I also knew I had no idea of what it meant to exist in Heaven; a place of total love and peace and joy. I talked to Jesus about my shortcoming.

I also prayed for God’s perception of some things going on in my life. I wanted to see the loving hand of God rather than judge things as a pain and being angry or hateful. I realized I never want to allow another hateful thought again in my life.

I went to bed at 9 and woke up at 3 and sort of laid awake until 4; when I got up.

I sat down with the ACIM text and read the passages quoted above. I realized I was willing to give up my ego consciousness in favor of peace. I found myself quite willing, in meditation, to rest in that wordless place of peace. In that place, where I don’t think too much, I rest in peace with the Holy Spirit and I am able to extend the presence of the Spirit into every person I think of, no matter who they are.

I walked on the tm for 30 minutes and went for a quick 17 minute run. The short runs with weight lifting or machine time are going to be my taper for the next 9 days until the Kansas City marathon.

Yesterday, in a fit of egotism, I almost pushed all the internet buttons to get myself signed up for the 2010 Boston Marathon and reserve a hotel. But it didn’t happen. Now this morning, I again realize that I have a more valuable idea, where I could seek fellowship instead of braggadocio and I need to remember that idea. I’m only getting on one airplane to go to a race next year and I need to remember that fellowship will make me happier.

Faith

From A Course in Miracles (ACIM) text 19.I:

- By faith, you offer the gift of freedom from the past…
- It (faith) is the gracious acknowledgement of everyone as a Son of your most loving Father…
- (By faith) You see the Christ in him (your brother)…
- Faith is the gift of God, through Him (the Holy Spirit) Whom God has given you…
- For faith arises from the Holy Spirit’s perception…

Yesterday, I found out that there is no early morning Mass this week. My immediate thought was, “Good. I am off the hook.” This is because I have more time for ACIM study and meditation and running if I don’t go to Mass. So now I know my truth, what it is about my relationship with God that I value the most.

So, I studied for an hour and 15 minutes, then I went for a 40 minute run. It was a very heavy sprinkle, so I wore my old orange illuminight jacket, thinking I would get a little rain protection. I ran extremely well down hills which means that I can smoke the down hills in my next race. My achilles did not bother me on the up hills and isn't talking to me now. After a most pleasant run, I came home with my jacket soaked. Well, I guess after ten years and numerous sprayings with camp dry, that jacket can’t do rain any more. So…I have already logged on to REI Inc. and ordered a new high visibility water repellent jacket. So there!

I focused on faith this morning. ACIM is not for everyone or it wouldn’t be 669 pages of fine print. The concepts are outside the box. For myself, I had to realize that what is inside the box is very narrow and mainly false before I could accept ACIM. Now, studying ACIM, the door is wide open to loving Christ in all and having a very personal relationship with God and Jesus, my brother. The door is open to changing my thoughts and perceptions so that the world is much more peaceful. The door is open to escaping the ego prison in which most of us live (and even value more that God). Love, freedom from ego and Jesus are what I really want out of life. So, I keep learning. I keep taking my inventory.

In terms of 12 Step spirituality, my life is dedicated to Steps 10, 11 and 12; which should be the ultimate goal of any program of sobriety.

God, I offer myself to you, to do with me and build with me as you will...I pray for knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry it out. Selah!

Humility and Gratitude

By humility, I mean anti-pride. By gratitude, I also mean anti-pride.

I was sitting in a 12 step meeting this morning and really feeling my pride deeply. I always think I am too advanced to go to a meeting and listen to the others, no matter what they have to say. I'm not there to lecture others about how superior I am or how spiritual I am. So many people do praise me, but I forget, it is really God who used my mouth. How arrogant to not value the others at the meeting and all they have given me. I even pretend that they never did give me anything. To be arrogant is to be drunk on self-pride. May I somehow achive sobriety of self. It means turning my will over to God and seeking only to serve; seeking only His will for me.

I also am arrogant towards the out of shape, over weight, or smoking type of people. See? I am so arrogant. Every now and then, I realize this at a deep enough level to be ashamed and then talk to God about it. Then, I mend my thinking.

That is when gratitude hits me. It is others, known and unknown, who have helped me with my life. My life is not my own beyond the sense that things happen, but that anything good comes from others acting on behalf of God. If anyone buys my former house, that is their gift to me. I remembered to be grateful for my new job and remember that it was given me. If I accomplish anything at work, it is due to someone helping me. If I don't goof off at work, that is due to a power greater than myself. If I do some work on my own time, that is not my will but my higher power. I forget to thank God.

I spend an hour a day in spiritual study and another 30 minutes in meditation. I forget that it is not my will power which accomplishes these things. It is my higher power.

I run marathons, work out and struggle to eat only as many calories as I need. It is not my will which accomplishes these things. It is my higher power.

I asked for help and He came. May I remember, it wasn't me. May I be willing to "just be sober," as the purpose and value of my life. May I thank my higher power.

The Living Flame of Love

Saint John of the Cross made this phrase famous, famous among Catholic mystics that is. When I think of the phrase, I know That Flame of Love is calling me. I think of it, feel the call and am immediately drawn into contemplation. I shut my eyes and go inside to my secret place where I can sit and watch The Flame. It burns silently and eternally. There is a Presence pervading all of the space, a sense of safety and comfort, joy and peace. I feel as if I could watch the flame forever and perhaps the truth is that I have.

The Flame provokes people to write hymns of praise to the Creator, to feed the hungry, to fall on our knees in awe of the magnificence; which not only created, but lives now within.

The Living Flame of Love inspires me to transcend my ego, my fear of others, my self hate. The Flame gives me a consciousness of love beyond the body, a conscious communication with the indescribably abstract love called Ineffable. All physical and emotional experience pales in the light of the Living Flame. The realization of my littleness (puny ego posturing and griping) brings the realization of my potential magnificent holiness. Before The Flame, I drop everything and accept Its Grace.

One of "Those" Runs

Usually, I do my long runs in a flat park with a 2.7 mile loop, which goes by my car every lap, so I can have Gu and water without carrying it. Today, I did 16.2 miles at right on 10 min/mile.

Usually there are other runners and walkers in this park and at times it is pretty busy.

Today took the cake for busy. The park had sprung up a mountain bike course, or something (since there are no mountains). But, there were two strands of tape and cones marking out a loopy course, complete with obstacles simulating downed tree trunks. And then there were tons of people riding at break-neck speeds around this course. The trouble was, parts of the course crossed or went along the walking path. So many of us park regulars were confused and got yelled at when we were in the way of the bike racers.

I swear, I didn't mean to get in the way, I just couldn't figure out at times whether I was on the course or not, and which way the riders would be coming.

Luckily, this only happens once a year.

Two weeks until the Kansas City Marathon. I am in taper mode. I'll be lifting lots of weights during my taper. My goal for this race is to finish without injury so I can go in the Springfield Bass Pro marathon 2 weeks later. My real goal is to be a "Marathon Maniac."

My running is about as stupid as mountain bikers racing in Parkville, but lets not get into that!

Early Morning Love

It is 6:15 am, and I didn’t go to Mass.

I need to reflect. As I sat here, I made the connection: with that Personality Non-physical. I look at and acknowledge my self-hate and other-fear which attempts to block this Inner Love. The Inner Love seeks my attention and connection. To find It, I still need first acknowledge and shine light on the shadows of hate and fear.

“Heaven is not a place nor a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect oneness, and the knowledge that there is nothing else; nothing outside this oneness, and nothing else within” (A Course in Miracles Text, 18.VI.1).

If I find my Inner Love, I know it is not exclusively mine, but all of ours. The knowledge that we share love brings me close to oneness, close to Heaven.

This is a brief little blog. Yet, the knowledge on the oneness may be all I need to get through the day without being in unconscious terror of the other people. That one little scrap of knowledge may save my bacon today. All the power of the universe lies in it. All Love lies in it. Without this little knowledge, maybe I’d have to kill myself.

I guess I pursue God for this reason: without Him, I'd have to kill myself. Becoming aware of this inner connection is communion and I desperately need it.

I also had a wonderful 50 minute run under a slightly drippy sky, with lightening flashes. I was wearing my yellow "Live Strong" jacket. I felt good.