Daniel Day 30 - Still

I live in a small town. I was born in the big city, San Francisco, and lived most of my life in cities. So, small towns sometimes amaze me. Like today. I had expected the post office to deliver a package Friday or Saturday. By today it still had not arrived. I checked their web site and it said it had been delivered on the 3rd. Ummm...I don't have it.

I called the post office in town and told them this information. The man said he would have the supervisor look into it in the morning. An hour later, "special delivery." The mail lady who had been substituting for my vacationing regular carrier, Mitch, had delivered the package to the wrong house, some how retrieved it and now gave it to me. She was so sorry. I was happy to have my box. I also had to laugh inside. In the big city, I never would have seen that box.

The box contained organic nuts, seeds and dried fruit. I had been looking forward to biting into one of the succulent Calymira figs. I immediately cut open the box. But something stopped me from diving in: Daniel. I am on a Daniel Fast. I wasn't hungry. I wanted a fig just to have a dainty to appease my pallet and kill time.

Now, three hours later, I still have not ate. I am not hungry, yet feel the habitual desire to eat. The need to eat is false. Do I dare stare it down? Do I dare ignore the programming and conditioning? What if I just didn’t respond? What if I didn’t believe it? If I want to eat frugal and live austere, I have to stop the idle munching. I have to face the fear. It is one of those push comes to shove moments: do I want to be like John the Baptist? Do I want to cower in fear of habitual societal programming?

I want to learn about myself and see what makes me tick. This moment is one of those opportunities. I know this denial of food would appal some, frighten some and I would be accused of insanity. But, I want to know what controls me. I want Spirit to be my Guide. I want to live outside the box and by Spiritual standards; so challenging the food status quo enrages my ego and I get to learn how it operates. What a valuable thing; I get to learn.

Daniel Day 30

I want to remember Love today. That is my intention and resolve. Jesus will help me to remember if I ask. I turn my thinking over to Jesus' guidance and I know I will remember.

I had a wonderful moment of clarity in my morning meditation today:

REALITY, not the ego world (of hate and judgment) most of us are conscious of, is the intangible world of Love. Love is the predominent mode of existence. Consistently deny the ego's perception of error in others; and you will be left only with Love. Be vigilant for Love; and know Heaven. The Kingdom of Heaven, REALITY, in within our minds and in all; we just need to be aware of Love instead of ego. My whole spiritual practice has the purpose of helping me to live in The Kingdom and not in the ego world.

Coming to work in the middle of the night and dealing with mud and smelly water is not so bad when I remember Love; and Love is everywhere. Love is the reality we forget to see or pretend not to see.

Daniel Day 29

• ...judgment is the setting of a price...to price is to value...your return is in proportion to your judgment of worth.
• ...you cannot be grateful for what you do not value.
• Valuing it little, you will not appreciate it and you will not want it.
• ...see only truth (in that brother) beside you...

Yesterday, I went to Lauds and Mass at the Benedictine monastery up the street. I went there because a) I did not feel like to frenetic drive to the city and b) I am considering associating myself with the monastery by becoming an oblate. I spent much thought yesterday listening to my ego's reasons for becoming an oblate: how the shiny oblate medal and my picture in their newsletter will vindicate my previous failure to become a sister at a different monastery. But, the Holy Spirit has reasons too and it is these which I am discerning: commitment, love, ACIM forgiveness, and peace are the primary ones. As I am able to stop judging these religious women and love them instead, my ego is dethroned and I find myself healed also.

As I lay on my bed last night, I realized how I have never wanted anything from my heart. In my life, my ego has sought after accomplishments for its own grandiosity. All ego achievements turn out to be cheap shiny medals; which we quickly cast aside and search for something greater. I want to want oblation because I love God and I love Christ in these people. I want to value something before I die. I want to do something honestly before I die. Do I commit to life in the world as a Benedictine? (you ACIM people would appreciate the philosophical overlap)

I have recently thought my life on this planet was optional; that is, I have no family or commitments so who cares if I am alive. Yet, I see today that this clearly shows how I do not value myself or the role I must have in God's creation, or God would not have created me. Not valuing myself, I in fact have lived with the ego's consciousness which hates me. Hating myself, I hate all others as well. This is the separation which the Holy Spirit offers to heal. I can't do it myself.

Well, I am on a 40 day Daniel Fast; although, I've noticed that sometimes I don't focus on it. These next 10 days, I need to regain the Spirit of Daniel (who refused to defile himself and clung fiercely to God). I also know that I am much happier eating the way I am now. Nothing nutritional is missing and there is not too much. By going about it with spirituality, I have broken a habit. The habit is an unhappy thought pattern which causes me to eat too much and eat stuff that causes a craving for more. Even processed vegetarian foods do this. Leavened bread has sweetener in it and that makes me wonder if that even is the cause for desiring it. So, I have a decision to make. At the end of 40 days, do I commit to maintaining the eating pattern indefinitely? I know any deviation causes unhappiness. Even when I eat something that I think is a treat, it isn't as good as my ego makes it out to be. So in these days of fasting, my ego has been dethroned. I have been food sober.

I feel trepidation to ask God for a lasting strength to keep a commitment. God loves me. God is love. There should be no fear here. Yet it shows I still have to grow in the love of God. Well...the freezer is full of unleavened bread and every day I throw out a few slices of leavened bread.

Lord, have mercy on me. My life is confusing right now. The company's hourly workforce is on strike and managers are starting to train to operate the plant. So, my normal routine is out the window. Scarey also to see so many hard feelings, which will increase as the union figures out they aren't coming back on agreeable terms. My role is to be peace and forgiveness no matter what.

Daniel Day 28

• The very fact that the Holy Spirit has been asked for anything will ensure a response...There are many answers you have not yet heard.
• If you would know God and His Answer, believe in me (Jesus) whose faith in you cannot be shaken.
• Salvation is of your brother (other people)...His words are the Holy Spirit's answer to you...there is a light in his mind... This light can shine into yours, giving truth to his words and making you able to hear them.
• The message your brother gives is up to you...Your decision about him determines the message you receive. Remember that the Holy Spirit is in him...

Listen. I silence my ego's yammering voice and try to listen to another, quieter Voice. I try to be at peace with others, listen to them and get along. ACIM forgiveness is really a practice of remembering that the Holy Spirit and the Light of God, are in other people. As I see it in them, I will know it in myself; and we all proceed to Heaven. Any other way is of the ego and keeps us firmly in the ego world. One good thing is that if you forget to see the light in any situation, you can later go back in your thoughts and rearrange them according to the Holy Spirit's guidance.

I don't know about you; but I don't really like it here.

Yesterday I had much time to ponder. I was fasting and noticing that I wanted to eat to kill time. I listened to the little voice desiring to stuff food in its mouth. With my hands and eyes and thoughts, I was copying Psalms into a book. This kept me occupied long enough to realize that nothing outside of God will satisfy me. My ego is never satisfied. Any ambivalence in my thinking is due to confusion over what I should be "doing." Doing doesn't matter to the Holy Spirit; meaning and the content of doing matters. The truth is presented as meaning. It is known, not done. Nothing outside of God will satisfy. I am a spirit and only Spirit can satisfy me; not rewards, not recognition, not religion, not food. God alone.

So, I sit quietly. I copy Psalms. I listen.

Daniel Day 26 - Remembering

Starting with the question, "Why don't I remember God?" a wonderful spiritual journey and experience can begin.

I can remember anything I want to remember. Why not God? I must not want to remember God. So I must look at myself and see why I don't want to remember God. In fact, I must be doing things to not want to remember God.

If I want to remember something else, I do things. Here are the things:

• I set things out of place.
• I set alarms.
• I make habits.
• I succumb to peer pressure and society's rules (caring what others think of me).
• I have a bodily need like hunger or tiredness.
• I'm addicted.
• I want it for grandiose reasons; like rewards or to please others.
• I could be avoiding pain or lose.

What if I threw everything I had into remembering God? Why don't I want to be successful? Am I incapable? No...discern further.

From ACIM:

• …confused communication does not mean anything. A message cannot be communicated unless it makes sense.
• How sensible can your message be when you ask for what you do not want?...as long as you are afraid…that is precisely what you are asking for.
• You and your Creator can communicate through creation.
• Christ is in me…

I can’t remember God because I am asking about an idea of something which I don’t know what it is. Thus, I am asking for something which I have been told I should want but do not really want because I don’t know what it is. If you say God is Love, and I do want that, I might be confused. So much of my idea of love is really self serving. If I feel like a spiritual failure and cry out in prayer, it is really my ego, not God, that I am praying to. I am begging my ego to set me free and I know this because the world of perception is the ego’s. The belief that I am a physical being (instead of a spiritual one) is the ego’s. The only way to pray is to calm down and look into my silent depths. Christ is in me.

I can support Christ in me by realizing something else. Pay attention, I am going to shift this discussion a little. I am on a 40 day Daniel Fast and today is day 26. Fasting, combined with prayer, is for life changing spiritual breakthrough. Indeed, my own life has shifted tremendously from what it was like before starting the fast. I was running 50 or more miles a week and very unhappy because I was gaining weight. Now, I haven’t been running due to a foot injury but have lost 5 pounds; thus am very much at peace. Then, I hated religion, the limitations of religious rules, and thought the monastery up the street was pansy ass. Now, I have returned to church, want to understand what my 4 year education in Benedictine life was about, and am considering becoming an oblate at the monastery up the street. Then I was just an employee at a company I disapproved of. Now, I am willing to join the team of management in running the plant without hourly people (who are on strike) in order to save the company and change our culture. Then, I was afraid of losing my retirement. Now, I see wall street adjustments as a good thing and am not relying on anything but God. AND I am at peace with all these changes; that is the miracle part.

What these changes mean in the spiritual realm is that I see myself behaving, believing and loving in ways that are not possible for my ego. I see myself do what my ego does not want to do and realize that there is something higher than my ego in operation in my life. I see that I have and need to continue to turn my thinking over to this higher beneficent power who helps me be at peace at all times no matter what is going on. My ego only wants rewards and recognition. Beneficence wants to love. Beneficence must be “Christ within me.” I must throw all my effort into allowing Beneficence to be my consciousness.

Look at the list of things I do when I WANT to remember something. If I look at the peace and love Beneficence brings, and think about it quietly, I will find I WANT that. If I WANT something, then I am perfectly capable of ensuring that I remember it. So There!

Daniel Day 25

• ...He (Holy Spirit) is in your mind and therefore He is your reality...

I am encouraged in this thought to surrender. I want Jesus, or the Holy Spirit, or anything but my ego, to guide my thinking. The key is: I can't escape what I see, but I can change my thinking. I can stop assuming and judging. I really want to pull the inner divine presence out of the jail I put it in, and allow it to be my functioning consciousness.

Daniel Day 24

All selfishness aside, our monetary crisis is a good thing. Personally, the challenge of noticing and healing my own ego thoughts around money has been extremely beneficial. This world is an ego delusion.

Yesterday afternoon, I was reading a fasting book which happened to have the word "chocolate" in it. Quietly I thought of having a Cadbury egg when this fast is over. I noticed I had that thought at least two more times. About 7:30, as I sat for meditation, I realized that the Cadbury egg thought was a quiet assent to hurt myself and re-enter addiction. If I allowed that thought to sit in my brain, it would root and grow and eventually I would be powerless over it. So I got with Jesus and rejected the thought. I gave it to Him and asked for one of His instead. I had a brief flash of Benevolent Love.

These flashes of the Benevolent Being who Loves us are the point of my spiritual practice. In learning more and more about this reality, I leave the ego delusion and begin to reside in the light.