Sunday, July 20, 2014

I Can't Believe....

..... I just spent an hour editing a paper on ammonia refrigeration for work.

Of course, that was after getting up early today and doing a few miles in Seabrook. I got out early enough, and there were enough clouds, to enjoy 2 hours before the heat seemed bad. I wore my Nathan, but I felt heavy in it. So I quit early, hence I had time to do work for work.

That somewhat amazes me that I got the work done.

Now it is back to the God question. The question which cannot be answered. But in the space I leave in my days, God comes and sits with me. The Ineffable makes no sound, nothing to perceive. I can only say I believe, I knew. Beyond that, I got only a feeling of okay-ness, companionship, presence that is not a presence.

I cannot follow a guru. I've never met one. I tried a monastery and learned the truth of living with 50 Roman Catholic nuns. I tried fasting. I tried running. I tried dopamine. Now I just sit. I send my consciousness into the void. I don't ask for anything. I let the time pass with no accomplishment. I am that and not that; this and not this.

Let go. Let it be.

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