Three Steps

I read this today in Brunton book VI: "First the ego is only an accumulation of memories and a series of cravings, that is, thought; it is a fictitious entity. Second, the thinking activity can come to an end in stillness. Third, Grace, the radiation of the Power beyond man, is ever-shining and ever-present. If we let the mind become deeply still and deeply observant of the ego's self-preserving instinct, we open the door to Grace, which then lovingly swallows us."

So, that is beautiful. Is it not obvious that I would seek God if I thought I would achieve feeling loved? Well, it doesn't say I'll feel loved. It says I'll be swallowed by love. This really means relinquishment of the ego. I still say yes, but it is not so easily accomplished.

And there must be a higher Power for any of this to happen. I am still reliant on faith in that area.

Do I believe that I have help?

I think I'll go work out in my living room and ponder these things.

Grievances

It is an amazing thing, a gift from A Course in Miracles is the knowledge of grievances. And if you do the work book, you will be reminded from time to time to inventory your grievances and let them go. This morning while I was out running, I was repeating a lesson about grievances and then I would notice my small mind go to some thing from the world for which I realized I had a grievance against. I have grievances about almost every part of my past. So then I would wipe the slate clean and turn towards higher consciousness.

Then this evening I moved on to the next lesson: My grievances hide the light of the world in me. The lesson gives instructions on how to see the light in you. I did this. But, strangely I've never realized this before, I clearly heard my small mind say, "what good is this light?"

See, real divine light does not provide any emotionally gratifying euphoric experiences. The Light of God is silent and still. When I sit and gaze inward at it, I find the ability to just be quiet and silent. But it is not productive for worldly endeavors. In fact, the practice seems quite useless and maybe not even real; at least according to my ego consciousness.

My silence and solitude and spiritual study is directed towards the purpose of transcending ego consciousness and gaining love based consciousness. Any progress I make could be indirectly applied to worldly living but its main results are not in this world. Lack of proof is the hard part, as I get asked what good my spiritual work is if its results not directly here. I can't explain but anyone who has connected with their higher consciousness would know.

I returned again to the light and watched it, sat with it. If I want inner peace, this is truly the where of it.

Ha, my ego hates walking around in the world as an apparently useless individual.

How....

Paul Brunton, in his 16 volume spiritual notebook, expresses over and over that the person needs to redirect from ego or small self to larger self, Higher Self. The idea is also in A Course in Miracles: the small ego is not real, the Christ, the Son of God within, is the truth.

From Brunton:

• "Blessed are the poor in spirit," said Jesus. What did he mean? To be "poor" in the mystical sense is to be deprived of the possession of the ego, that is, to become ego-free.
• When all of man's thoughts are put together, this total constitutes his ego. By giving them up to the Stillness, he gives up his ego, denies his self, in Jesus' phrase.
• To surrender the ego is to surrender the thought of it, and this is done by stilling the mind whenever, in daily life, one becomes self-conscious.
• The more he tries to fight the ego, the more he thinks about it and concentrates on it. This keeps him still its prisoner. Better is it to turn his back on it and think about, concentrate on the higher self.

So, how do you renounce the ego without chastising yourself all the time because you reacted to it? This is where I have located the workbook of A Course in Miracles. Each day it gives me a thought which is directed to the higher self and not the ego. I need to be taught to think differently and I need help in order to think differently. There are other books which provide a daily thought. Be careful of most of them because they give a very narrow limited and worldly view of the world and certainly almost all of them see the ego as real. The ego is just thoughts.

I see my life as a journey towards the higher self. The one thing I've desired for decades is a vibrant spiritual connection. There have been turns of events all along which have brought me closer. Like, in my early years of sobriety, a group of us recovering alcoholics were attending seminars by a man who talked about the ego and this lead to listening to a channeled entity who talked about the higher self. AA itself is directed towards ego deflation and surrender to a higher power. In the monastery, I was reading about the small self and the larger self.

And somehow or other, I arrived at A Course in Miracles which discusses the ego delusion in a more complicated way. And somehow, I arrived a Paul Brunton's notebooks. 

I have to say this about the Bible: it is misinterpreted not only by scholars throughout the ages but by the early church. The renunciation of ego combined with identification with the higher self which Jesus practiced made him look special; and his expertise was incomprehensible to the early church so they called him Son of God. Truly he was Son of God, but so are you if you deny the ego and take up the higher self.

Not easy. Maybe I only make a smidgen of progress in this life. But I refuse to give up.

So today, my ACIM lesson is: Love created me like Itself. I vow to hold this idea in mind and use it as the thing I turn to when I notice I am in ego reality. As I return to this thought of Love and It, I also enter silence.

Now, I slept 12 hours last night. I think I'll go to a small park today and run in a forest.

Ego Deflation

One of the first things you learn in AA about how to stay sober is about ego deflation at depth. And the steps of AA are intended to help with this. I believe that ego deflation is needed for success in any behavioral change as well as spiritual progress.

Ego deflation is such a quandary. An ego cannot fix itself. Therefore, some other part of my consciousness has to desire and practice ego deflation in such a way as to achieve the detachment. The higher self is not yet my consciousness. So I have to find a standpoint which realizes it is not the ego and which realizes it wants to identify with the higher self.

Assuming there is a higher self. Is there a higher self? Is my belief in the higher self just programming from new age books? Well, not just new age. The destruction of the small self was also part of Benedictine monastic teachings. The higher self comes forth in Buddhist teachings. It is all over the place.

I don't really know my higher self except for the workings of intuition.

If I go to a teacher or guru, I end up with their teachings AND my ego.

I think prayer towards the higher self opens the door to receiving the needed outside help; as in circumstances arrive in which the ego becomes deflated and other points of view become possible.

ACIM Workbook

A Course in Miracles (ACIM) has a workbook that goes with it. I've completely done the workbook at least 3 times. Last April, on my 4th time, I took a break. A few days ago, I opened it back up to the place where I'd left off, lesson 65 today.

What I'm finding is that I am very in tune with the lessons. I am at peace and feel good to be reminded of what is taught. I accept. Yes please.

Out running this morning, I was reviewing my belief in God. I still have to say I'm in favor of believing there is a Creator who created me with an idea in mind. My life goes better with this belief. I have no direct proof that my belief is true.

My life's narrative goes on. I keep reading the book.

My Yes

This morning, I went out running as usual. It was warm but with a 17 mph wind. I faced the wind. I feel puny and fear the cold. The first time I face a hurricane, I imagine I'll be terrified.

I haven't blogged much lately. It is because I don't feel the ego driven vehemence I felt in the past. I have no spiritual stance to propound or any need to expound on my superior outlook or attributes.

This is where I'll be living in Texas. It is an ordinary duplex on an ordinary street.

And working at this place:

But why is this blog called "My Yes"? I'm certain that I am making progress in metaphysics and in the realization of my higher self and I plan to continue on.

Idaho 2011

I am on the road again, this time to Boise, ID.Boise has a great green belt running for miles through the middle of town. Yesterday I ran north for an hour and 10 min. Today I ran south for an hour. I felt really good today, as I solved a problem with a shoe insole which was causing me much pain in the heel. Today was the first long run I've done in awhile where I went fast. I feel so much better about myself.

See, when I am training for an ultra, I slowly jog and walk periodically since the point is to keep going for many hours without hurting yourself or running out of energy. But, I realize that this slow type running was making me feel older and older. We are trained to think was will diminish as we age. Add that to some pain in the heels (solved now I hope) and the slow paced ultra training and you have a recipe for feeling old and exhausted. So, maybe ultras are not the right thing for me.

Today, I signed up for my first race in Texas - the La Porte Half Marathon. It runs across the Hartman Bridge:

There are no hills in Houston.

The sun just disappeared below the horizon without much fanfare.

I still haven't connected with my soul.