What Makes My Life Worth Living?

I've struggled with this question on and off all my life. Especially after I left monastic life, I wondered, "What good am I?" I didn't get to be Sister ____ OSB, and have the world think I am special. I am a single woman, professional engineer. Nobody's mother. Nobody's wife. Not religious at this point.  All of these are society's measurements of what makes a good person or a worthwhile person. And I have dissed myself over them so much.

Today, I asked myself what made my life worth living today? I remembered the deer that came within 3 feet of me. It is a doe who limps and I've seen her in that park before. Seeing her was worthwhile.

I jog walked slowly for 4 hours today. It felt really good to do low impact. Doing this made my life worth living to me. While I am on my feet for 4 hours, I get to dream of running marathons. Running marathons is a worthwhile activity to me.

While I was jogging, I was thinking about my metaphysical life. I thought about my recent decision to stay in Texas at my current job. So I asked the Universe what was I going to do now? I realized that I need to let the fabric of my mentally controlled view of the world to unravel a bit. You'd have to study metaphysics to know what I am talking about, but it has to do with "I am responsible for the world I see." As I thought about letting the fabric unravel, let go of control, I got a vision of my boss. Suddenly, I thought, "let go of the control," and the fabric of my boss unraveled revealing a hole in the fabric and the bright light was shining beyond it. This vision is a true practice of A Course in Miracles "forgiveness." Forgiveness is looking beyond, undoing. It was astonishing to envision the unraveling of my mental control of the world.

Another thing about this weekend is that I finally made it to Home Depot to buy some paint for my front door. The associate did a great job of helping me because I know nothing about paint. And I was scared of doing the job. But I did do the job today. Now, watching my ordinary consciousness fiddle and be scared by using my higher consciousness is in fact a thing to be aware of. It is a doorway into the fact that I have a higher consciousness and I can be aware of it.

So if I have a higher consciousness, do I have to ask the question of the worth of my life at all? For sure, a higher consciousness just is. There is no measurement of its worth. Exploring consciousness, finding the higher has been a desire of my lower consciousness for decades. To have  worthwhile life, do I need to be great or famous or in a helping profession? My life was worth living to me today. I need to find small worthwhile parts of life each day; and not judge myself as less worthwhile because I work at a corporate job.

Marathons 80 and 81

I didn't start my running career with a goal of 100 marathons. I ran my first marathon at age 19 and didn't run another until I was 35. I don't think I planned running another marathon at all. During my 30s, I could run 5ks fast enough to win awards and that was enough for me.

Then, around 2008 I heard about the Sri Chinmoy 3,100 Mile Self Transcendence Race. I ran my next marathon as a prelude to becoming an ultra-marathoner. I was fascinated with ultra-marathons as a means of self transcendence.

I don't think I have achieved self transcendence. But in the past few years, having moved to Texas, I realize there are many more marathons to run than in Missouri. I began to have friends which had run 50 or 100 or 600 marathons. I began to see my own number of marathons piling up. So that is how I got here.

Marathoning is fun for me. I get to travel to various places; as well as make friends. The trip to Red Deer Canada for marathon #80 was a social trip. I got to run a marathon on an outstandingly beautiful course and meet friends.

The trip to Dallas for marathon #81 was about seeing friends. It is in Dallas where these people are who run hundreds of marathons. Dallas weather was fairly decent for this time of year; but the course around Bachman Lake is nothing to rave about.

I think alot about the reasons why 100 marathons is a sort of goal. It has been since 2012 that I began to run numerous marathons per year. At first I wanted to run 50 marathons. That number came and went. So then I thought I'd like to say I ran 100 marathons. It will be 2018 before I get there. When it happens, I will notify one or two people. They will say, "Congrats." Then the whole thing will have passed by and number 101 will be planned.

But also, I like to look at where I was in life during marathon number x. Or delve into the endurance and perseverance of any person who runs that many marathons. I have obviously invested much energy, time, thought and effort into a project. Since everything I do is a symbol of life, I should come up with why I am doing this. I'll know soon.

Red Deer finish:




Texas Threesome day 2 shirt and belt buckle swag:

Number 79

Yesterday I finished my 79th lifetime marathon. It was a good day at the office; but also, not so thrilling.

In March, I was thrilled about the marathon I finished. In February, I was thrilled with the marathon I finished. In April, I was super thrilled about the 50k I finished. Yesterday? I don't know.

The marathon was in Waxahachie, Texas. I had a pleasant drive from Houston and a nice hotel room. The hotel was only a 10 min drive from the race start. The race was starting at 7 am. So factoring in time to use the facility, time to get a good parking spot, time for spiritual practice, time to pack up the hotel room, and I was up at 4:30 am.

Now I need to tell you about a little problem. A week ago, I fell down on a crushed granite path. The granite is quite sharp and it scored my elbow pretty deep. That wound was weeping blood until Wednesday when I finally went to the drug store and bought a large size water proof bandage. On Friday night in my hotel room, I decided to take the bandage off. The deepest gouge was still open. I decided to let it dry overnight. In the morning, it still looked open, not scabbed. Instead of putting on the new bandage I had with me, because I didn't want it in any race pictures, I decided that the wound would dry up under the sleeves I was going to wear for the first part of the race. This turned out to be a mistake. See below.

The spiritual study did not go so well. I couldn't focus on it. I kept shifting my attention to the internet. I've wondered about this lately. That is, maybe I do spend too much time looking at things on the internet. Maybe it is killing my brain. The book I brought for spiritual study wasn't pleasing me. It was supposed to be about Quaker silence; but it was too focused on Jesus is Lord.

I got to my parking spot about an hour before the race. I was listening to a radio show about what some prescription drugs are doing to people. I was thinking of my boss. He is in ill health, taking blood pressure and cholesterol medication; but also being terribly over weight. But really, this is my judging. It is secret arrogance.

About 30 minutes before the race, I walked to the park bathrooms and took care of business. I went over to the start line. I didn't see any of the people I was looking for; but I did see a couple I often see at races around Houston. So I introduced myself and we happily chatted for a few minutes.

The race started at 7 am. It was cool to begin with, but I knew it would be hot later. I do what I usually do; that is, run pretty fast until it gets hot, when I usually become slow into the finish. After the first lap, I decided it was warm enough to take off my sleeves. When I did that, I learned that the one sleeve had stuck to the elbow wound. When I pulled it off, I also sprung a leak. Whoops! Now my arm is bleeding and looking gross. I used the sleeve to keep wiping it up and when I got to the aid station, they gave me a big bandaid. Unfortunately, the bandaid didn't stick very long so I ended up with a gross looking elbow for my pictures. But it did stop bleeding at least.

I ran really good for 19 miles. Then I started 3x2 jog walk due to the heat. I finished in 5:14 which is still under 12 minute miles, and so perfectly fine. I got my medal, walked to the car and drove home.

Last night, I sat and contemplated my day. I was met with an unexpected inner silence. There was no joy in finishing. No thrilling moment to focus on. No emotional high or low. This morning, I was yet again doing spiritual study. I was thinking about my life. Work is ok but not stimulating and yes, I'll be working there for several more years. Everything is organized and paid for. Life is fine.

My God consciousness seems to be waning. maybe it has been waning for several years; but seems worse in the last year. I need to do something creative and energizing; even if I am not yet retired and don't have much time. As I sat there, I thought, "Decide to climb a mountain." The idea of climbing a mountain, really a metaphor for doing something big for me, is an enlivening idea I get excited. In that context, 100 marathons is a mountain. The 79th leg was just a leg. Let it be. Not every leg is a thriller; but don't quit because of that. My whole life I have been climbing a spiritual mountain. At the moment, I can't see more than a layer of fog.

I have a really good spiritual book here at home. But I find the exercises difficult and I notice that I can't focus. Somehow, this is the iPad's fault.

Today, I went for a 7 mile walk in a forest. I was thinking about my race plans for the fall. I'm excited I'm signed up for a 50 mile race. I wonder what I'll do in December. I wasn't giving much thought to what is 2 weeks from now. I somehow need The Universe to help with my God consciousness. Something has to get better.

Distance On My Mind

I am in the middle of a special period of time; the Sri Chinmoy Ten and Six Day Races. There are these marvelous people, some very fast, some slow and old, who are spending 6 or 10 days completing a 1 mile loop around a park in Flushing Meadows, New York. There is also a daily blog which gives pictures as well as spiritual insights of the runners. It always inspires me to want to do more miles.

At the same time, at least for 48 hours this weekend, there is a similar race here in Texas; the Jackalope Jam. A one mile out-and-back on a treeless Texas cattle ranch. And it is already hot here in the Houston area. I know one of the people in this race. This race is posting live results. So I have been checking in on my friend. I know her physical struggles and I know she only walks. I know it was hot yesterday. But she did get 56 miles in her first 24 hours. I am impressed. As of the moment I write this blog, she is up to 71 miles, with 20 more hours available in the race. I wish I had the patience to walk back and forth on a dirt road for 71 miles.

Ordinary people doing extraordinary things. I wish I was like that. By myself, I took 2 long runs this weekend. Yesterday I got myself 21 miles and today I got 20 miles. In the heat, my speed slips to nearly 4 miles per hour since I walk so much. I'm impressed I stayed out there and did it. It is a sweat fest for every run until November.

Most of my runs today were spent jogging back and forth in a small forest near me. I need the shade. I was saying my Course in Miracles lesson. I kept diverting my brain from wanting to argue about some work issues. But finally, I remembered this line from the lesson, "...and I choose the world I want to have..." Immediately, this caused my brain to shut down and instead I felt as if I was beaming positive light into the world. Like I was choosing joy and sending it out. I need to remember that. I have a challenging week ahead.

The People Side of Retirement

I am reading a book about the joy of retirement. It says that one reason people fail at early retirement is that their buddies are at work and they miss them when they retire. On the other hand, it says that one reason people retire early is that the people at work are an irritation. These are seemingly contradictory reasons. Two camps of people.

I am in the camp that would be glad to be rid of the people at work. Not because they are bad people; they are a very nice group of people. But because I am never my real self when I am around them. For instance, the depth of spirituality I experience in the fellowship is incredible. But the fact that I am a recovered alcoholic at all must be hidden from the people at work.

For instance, my boss is a very competitive man. So if I allow my natural creativity and quick thinking to come out, he squelches it. He has to win against me. Work coaches say that I should sell my ideas in some undercover way so my boss accepts it. So, guess what that means? It means I can't just freely be myself. Politics and corporate hierarchy cause people to not be themselves.

The whole spiritual side of my life is hidden from the people at work. Is that necessary? Well it is until I can figure out if someone there has any sort of practice close to mine. So far I have noticed one person who belongs to an alternative church and we are inching towards more disclosure. Perhaps if there is someone else, they are hiding as much as I am.

There is my problem of being gender non-conforming. As far as I can tell, all the people are normal heterosexuals with statistically normal families. Suburban families all the way. Divorces here and there as you might expect.

There is the problem of being an ultra-marathoner. You know, I don't run for training or for running races. I run for quasi spiritual reasons. I can't discuss with someone who never exercises at all exactly what is going on with my workout regime.

For my whole career, I've not related well to the people at work. For most of my career, I worked with white males. I had no interest in golf or fishing or hunting or football. So these were nice guys but not my buddies.

So for me, yes I am tired of not being myself most of the time. My handicap is that I don't really know what it is like to be me around other people. The true inner me wants to be alive. Where should I go? Is it possible in a corporation?

Enlivening Activities

This morning I ran 11 miles at an 11 min/mile pace. That might not sound like very much to many people. To me, it felt great. It was a hot Texas morning and I sweated like crazy. It felt great.

Earlier, while I was doing my morning spiritual study, I thought about my life and the dilemma of retirement. Recently, my employer offered a small incentive to people who retired within a certain time frame. I was eligible. The deal caused me to really look at my desire to retire as well as my finances. I decided that it was just a little too soon for me to retire. But I also decided to do something about my life. That is to do something about intellectual stimulation in general but more specifically my declining intellectual stimulation at work, and the sapping of energy which goes along with it.

Some people retire because they want to do something meaningful with their lives. At some point the factors of money, age and desire for enlivening come together and the decision is made to leave. I am near enough to that tipping point that I need to prepare consciously and seriously.

So this morning, I made a list of enlivening things in my life. It turns out that running, fitness and racing are enlivening. That is why I do it. It is enlivening to be on the starting line of a race with a number pinned to your front. Just being there ready to finish the race. It doesn't matter how fast, just that you are. "Beingness" at its finest.

I thought about a 70 year old lady I met at a race once. She plans to do 7 ultra marathons this year. She got one done already. She walks them in races which have a generous time limit. I want to be able to walk 70 miles when I'm 70.

Last week, I did my first ultra marathon in a couple of years. There were 16 ladies in the 50 something age group who also did the ultra marathon. That is quite outstanding.

Enlivening just to think about.

I've signed up for a 50 mile event in October, including cashing in my frequent flyer miles to get there. Enlivening.

My morning spiritual study is very enlivening. Sometimes AA meetings are enlivening.

But work is usually not enlivening. I need to drop the rocks and let it be.

See you on the trails:

It Takes an Ultra

Yesterday was the first 50k race I've done for awhile. The reward was 11 hours of sleep. I haven't slept that long in ages.

For once in Texas, the day began rather cool at 55F; though it would get into the 80s by noon. So I decided that even though this was an "ultra", I'd get lots of miles done before the heat set in. I decided to run the first loop and then do walk jog on the second loop. I knew I'd be dying in the heat and the sooner I got done the better.

So, I ran the first half in 2:58, and completed the whole race in 6:35. The time includes 3 bathroom breaks and 3 slow pit stops in the final 10 miles to get ice and take an icy sponge bath.



This was my 78th endurance race of 26.2 miles or more. I know there is more to running races than shiny medals or the goal of 100 marathons. I wish I had some words of wisdom.