Hog's Hunt Prelude - Friday AM

To start, here is a beautiful picture from some place in Colorado stolen from Journey to Badwater blog,

I just cancelled the hotel reservation I had for some roadside inn near Huntsville. I did this because I wanted to relax at home and in my own bed tonight. I thought I would hate being in some degraded cheap hotel room. And I can make green smoothies this evening to have something for after the race tomorrow.

But here is the surprise. As I clicked cancel, I realized that I made that reservation in the first place because I think I am getting too old to get up and 2:45 am, drive 100 miles and run 31 miles.

But thinking I am old, and acting that way is the key revelation here. If I start that now, I'm sunk. Yes, some crummy issues are going on in my body; but I could see these differently. I don't have to add "old age" as the hidden issue behind all my decisions.

A Course in Miracles chapter 4: "Let the Holy One shine on you in peace, knowing this and only this must be."

Now, I'm going to do an easy workout. Then go to work. I just donned my hachi maki, which says "Spirit Warrior" in Japanese (fighting spirit in picture). Now I feel strong, decisive, ready.

Unshakeable

HIS unshakeable being to be exact. I ran across those words in ACIM text this morning. Somehow, I thought, "The only way to keep my life from being a shambles is to join a Higher Power, The Substrate, Unshakeable Being."

So, I:
1. open my thoughts to this Self.
2. surrender to this Self.
3. look beyond (ACIM forgiveness).

Well, I am writing this blog right now as I find myself totally entheusiastic about my race this weekend. That is because my heel does not hurt right now. Gahhh! When I feel good, I dream so much. Wow, I can hardly wait: 50k in a forest. Love it! I've spent so much time being worried about this race; only to find that I feel good today.

I burned 720 calories on the elliptic and stationary bike this morning; then went for a 4 mile run outside. And I don't hurt. If I could just keep things like that.

Chapter 4.II

From the Course in Miracles text 4.II.6: "Self esteem in ego terms means nothing more than that the ego has deluded itself into accepting its reality, and is therefore less predatory. This "self esteem" is always vulnerable to stress, a term which refers to any perceived threat to the ego's existence."

I am pleased that my heel feels pretty good this morning. If necessary, I could go walk a marathon; and that is an awesome thought. Instead, I am headed for the elliptical and then to work. Meetings all week kicked off today with the Phosgene Summit. Interesting title.

Sunday Run

Today went really really well.

See, yesterday was a bit suckish. I knew it would be as I knew I had to work out the insoles for a new pair of shoes. Consequently, I'd run 2 miles, stop at the car and adjust locations of wedges etc, run 2 more miles, stop and adjust, repeat. But, I finally got them right and at 14 miles decided those shoes were now comfy. Comfy means my left heel is not screaming. These were Mizuno Wave Riders; a shoe I have not used before.

But my heel was still cranky over the experiment. I didn't know how I'd feel today. But I used the tried and true Nimbus' and my foot felt good. Then the point of today became convincing myself I could maintain a 4.2 mph average pace. I'm signed up for a 50k on a trail next Saturday. It is a day to enjoy a forest for a good long time; but the race has cut-offs so I need to keep up my pace, not just walk slowly.

But my feet felt good today, much better than expected so not only did I keep going to 20 miles but I allowed myself to dream. And yes, I was dreaming about a situation in San Antonio. A woman I know is putting on several races over a 3 day period in May. And several people I've met will be there. These are low key events where you can take as long as you want to finish. Some amazing things happen at these races. People putting in amazing performances over 2 or 3 days. Since I have met these people, I know they are not young and not perfect specimens of human athletes. It seemed like an environment where I could accomplish more than I can by myself. So I came home today and clicked submit; a double marathon entered. Insane if I decide to skimp on hotel rooms and just keep running.

I saw an alligator today. I also saw a beetle pushing a piece of dung. I guess that makes it a dung beetle.

Useless Journies - ACIM Chapter 4

This morning I woke up with the question on my mind, "If you have no one to tell about your running and no dopamine rewards, what would you do?" In the silence, an honest answer is demanded.

If there is a thing as spirit, it must be brought forth and lived. I think it means giving up the things which are louder, the noise. Dopamine rewards are not spirit.

Then, I began chapter 4 (The Illusions of the Ego) of the Course in Miracles text. Here is paragraph 3 of the introduction: "The journey to the cross should be the last “useless journey”; Do not dwell upon it, but dismiss it as accomplished. If you can accept it as your own last useless journey, you are also free to join my resurrection. Until you do so your life is indeed wasted. It merely re-enacts the separation, the loss of power, the futile attempts of the ego at reparation, and finally the crucifixion of the body, or death. Such repetitions are endless until they are voluntarily given up. Do not make the pathetic error of “clinging to the old rugged cross”; The only message of the crucifixion is that you can overcome the cross. Until then you are free to crucify yourself as often as you choose. This is not the Gospel I intended to offer you. We have another journey to undertake, and if you will read these lessons carefully they will help prepare you to undertake it."

This paragraph is counter to denominational Christianity. This is one of the reason I like A Course in Miracles: it is counter-cultural.

So, I gave up a major internet social site. This gave me time to contemplate. Before I had such great internet connections, I contemplated. I stood in the silence and endured its searching. I want to be spirit, not ego. Giving up the ego's accomplishments is to hard because it means giving up the dopamine rewards. Its not that I won't ever try to accomplish anything, but that I will do it in secret. Because if I say anything, the other person congratulates me and I get the dopamine reward.

So, if I give up the rewards, it is a detox experience. Changing the habits which seek out the rewards is difficult. Seeking the rewards is a survival mechanism. Having a secure and valued place in the tribe is necessary for survival according to the ancient brain mechanisms. Today, achieving something and being praised is the equivalent of bringing the tribe some food.

I want to walk away from this mode of living. Not because I am better, but because I seek something else. Renunciation. Downward mobility. Giving in secret...praying in secret...fasting in secret...losing this life....

An interesting picture was taken of me on a bridge in Corpus Christi. I see that I am a skinny version of my mother. Not the drunk fat cruel mother with whom which I lived, but the spark of energy which could play beautiful piano and did seek higher things, only to run into the alcohol addiction over and over. As  spark, I live:

So funny, see I am holding my sun glasses. This was taken before the sun came up; but the wind was so fiercely blowing sand, that I had to put my glasses on for protection.

Soul-less

I am reading brain books; neuroscience. The one I'm reading now, "Brain-Wise" does the best job of explaining how an awareness can come into being out of neuronal activities. I am just starting the part about how life itself can come into being from cells without any divine intervention. That is, being alive can start from dead materials of construction. I haven't read the details yet.

But I do think it is important to allow myself to think of myself as a personality made out of remembered experiences and survival skills, and the uniqueness does not come from a cell but from neurons.

And then I got on my elliptical. I like this exercise because I can close my eyes and stopper my ears and just think for an hour. I can believe life came from cells not God. Without a Creator, I can't answer, "Why is there something instead of nothing?"

Every account I've read of someone's God experience involves trauma to the brain itself or the emotions.

Can I, an aware living set of cells, evolve a spirit that same way I evolved a consciousness? If so, I doubt if I would be the first one. If the thesis is true, then someone else must have done it. Jesus? Buddha?

I need to explore nothingness some more, and indeed keep reading.

My other dilemma: I have found several races in Texas during the summer. Now that I've found these races, there is no need to get on an airplane. But I am holding credits that need to be used. I think I'll eat the loss of at least one ticket. I probably will use the others. But I certainly can't decide where to go. St Louis in September is the most likely choice. Maybe God will tell me.

Fabulous March 2013

I really had a good month. The last week, I got in 70 miles and a targeted strength workout every day.