Cleary not: losing my job, not having retirement money, getting old (although these things are with me).
The problem I most need to solve is "knowing Christ." I most need to believe in the "Something" bigger than me (Christ) who loves me and supports me.
Furthermore, I don't want the miracle to be that I have a good job. I want the miracle to be that I remember God and I have full communication and I know I am only love and that my true reality is Heaven. The miracle I most want is to leave this fear prison world made by an ego consciousness and live in Heaven, in peace, in silence, in eternal grace.
To allow the miracle, I just have to give everything else to the Holy Spirit. Simple but not easy. It means changing all my thinking.
I know that I know that I know there is a Something bigger than me. I spend my time on It rather than worldly things.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Eye Blinks of Heaven
- Heaven is not a place nor a condition. It is merely an awareness of perfect Oneness, and the knowledge that there is nothing else; nothing outside this Oneness, and nothing else within.
- For God created only this...
- What could God give but knowledge of himself? What else is there to give? The belief that you could give and get something else, something outside yourself, has cost you the awareness of Heaven and of your Identity.
Sometimes I make a special day out of Friday: getting up a little early to have more time for God.
Sometimes, well just about every day, I read something in the Course (ACIM) that causes me to pause. I have sudden realizations or sudden knowledge. I have moments of clarity where I understand the entire universe, even if only for a second.
This morning I had a few seconds of Oneness, of Heaven.
I spend as much time in silence and solitude as possible in order to have these moments of Heaven. These moments are prime time for me. I may continue to dwell in them and remember them for that day or any number of days. These occurrances of heaven are the exciting part of my life.
I went running this morning under an almost clear sky with an almost full moon. Jesus came with me and sang the whole way:
Oh, Im bein followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
And if I ever lose my hands, lose my plough, lose my land,
Oh if I ever lose my hands, oh if.... I wont have to work no more.
And if I ever lose my eyes, if my colours all run dry,
Yes if I ever lose my eyes, oh if.... I wont have to cry no more.
And if I ever lose my legs, I wont moan, and I wont beg,
Yes if I ever lose my legs, oh if.... I wont have to walk no more.
And if I ever lose my mouth, all my teeth, north and south,
Yes if I ever lose my mouth, oh if.... I wont have to talk...
Did it take long to find me? I asked the faithful light.
Did it take long to find me? and are you gonna stay the night?
Oh, Im bein followed by a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
Leapin and hoppin on a moonshadow, moonshadow, moonshadow
(Cat Stevens)
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Holy Instant
From ACIM:
- Never approach the holy instant after you have tried to remove all fear and hatred from your mind. That is its function. Never attempt to overlook your guilt before you ask the Holy Spirit's help. That is his function. Your part is only to offer him a little willingness to let him remove all fear and hatred...
- If you believe the holy instant is difficult for you, it is because you have become the arbiter of what is possible, and remain unwilling to give place to One Who knows.
My biggest spiritual difficulty:
- How do I let go and let God?
- I am not a failure. That is an ego belief that is untrue.
So I bring all my resistance to Jesus. I hold it out in the light and allow it to be removed. It instantly is. I just have to remember I am at peace NOW.
"All we are saying...is give peace a chance..." do do, ba ba, do do, ba ba... (Beatles)
SING!!!!!!!!!!
The Dregs
Lost your mojo? Good.
New found poverty? Good.
Time to drink the dregs of your life.
Face ego dissatisfaction.
The spoilt child within has been unseated.
No more is to be had from pleasing it.
It can’t run faster, win another race, finish a longer ultra.
It is done. Christmas is over.
Drink the dregs, soul sickness, acedia, depression.
Explore the dissatisfaction.
Feel the hunger and hate and fear.
Feel deeper into the nothingness than ever.
Feel “tired” and feel “lonely” and feel “sick.”
Don’t turn up the treadmill, put on another sweat suit.
Don’t cancel the outdoor run, go stand in the frigid wind;
Allow Friend Winter to penetrate your soul.
Seek the sweat lodge of the run;
The meditation hall of the crunch.
Go to the liturgy of the dregs:
Drink the senna tea to clean your bowels.
Drink the distilled water to wash your blood of fat and toxins.
Cry your eyes out in your utter worthlessness.
Pay the bills and do the dishes.
Change your diaper.
You are now ready to seek the Inner.
Your ego kudos can no longer satisfy.
Performance and happiness come from Self, Atman, Christ, Buddha, That.
This person within is now your sole support.
Willingness to follow It will get you through the dregs.
The Gift must come from It, not you.
No mojo? Good!
New found poverty? Good.
Time to drink the dregs of your life.
Face ego dissatisfaction.
The spoilt child within has been unseated.
No more is to be had from pleasing it.
It can’t run faster, win another race, finish a longer ultra.
It is done. Christmas is over.
Drink the dregs, soul sickness, acedia, depression.
Explore the dissatisfaction.
Feel the hunger and hate and fear.
Feel deeper into the nothingness than ever.
Feel “tired” and feel “lonely” and feel “sick.”
Don’t turn up the treadmill, put on another sweat suit.
Don’t cancel the outdoor run, go stand in the frigid wind;
Allow Friend Winter to penetrate your soul.
Seek the sweat lodge of the run;
The meditation hall of the crunch.
Go to the liturgy of the dregs:
Drink the senna tea to clean your bowels.
Drink the distilled water to wash your blood of fat and toxins.
Cry your eyes out in your utter worthlessness.
Pay the bills and do the dishes.
Change your diaper.
You are now ready to seek the Inner.
Your ego kudos can no longer satisfy.
Performance and happiness come from Self, Atman, Christ, Buddha, That.
This person within is now your sole support.
Willingness to follow It will get you through the dregs.
The Gift must come from It, not you.
No mojo? Good!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
My Real Relationship and The Study of The Course
I graduated from high school early. I got a full time job at a hamburger joint as I had several months before college started. In those evenings, I would sit in our living room with my brother's college calculus text. I would ponder the confusing mathematics of differentiation and integration, and work problems. My father would be there laying on the couch, asleep with the newspaper collapsed on his face. My mother, in a drunken stupor would be in her room with the TV blaring. I suppose my brother was studying in his room. It was the peaceful aftermath of whatever torture had gone on at dinner, when my mother, in a drunk blackout, would attack us visciously in whatever way would hurt us the most.
I went on to college. There, at the suggestion of a physics professor, I read the huge physics tombs written by Feynman. Feynman shared a love of physics and opened the universe through applied mathmatics. I loved it.
Then, at the end of college I went to Israel. I came home wanting to know God. So I sat down with a Bible twice a day and studied.
Now I sit and study A Course in Miracles. The Course contains differentiation and integration, physics and holy scripture. It is the Voice of Jesus or The Holy Spirit or Self or Source. This morning, the Text gripped my imagination as I could see the way to Love and my role, not only for myself but also as a means for peace for everyone. Enthralled and enraptured by the Voice, I gave additional time to God. I gave additional time to meditation; sitting in the light, knowing it is real, knowing I yet sleep and dream of this ego world.
One way to hear God and live in the realm of the Spirit, is to turn off the ego world; literally stop listening to it. The ego world is but a projection. The projection I see is somewhat collective, but also it is mine. I admit that the fear and anger I see is mine; and I admit this to Jesus, holding it out to the light. The "financial crisis" is partly mine. But I have turned it off, including divesting myself of all "stock" in it, and turning off the radio. I am taking my own inventory and letting Jesus have my hate and fear.
I want to invest in something different. This morning, pondering the Text, I pondered the holy relationship. I had an interpretation of a holy relationship which I really can call an investment in something different, the realm of the Spirit; and it works for a contemplative, and for someone who lives in the world with others who have not heard what a holy relationship is, or who still believe this place is real, not an illusion. It is my interpretation of a real relationship; but if it makes sense, invest in it, take it to the bank, hold it safely within your mind. It will produce happy dreams and the awakening in Heaven.
My holy relationship: is my relationship with my brother, held in a perfect love on the holy ground within the inner radiance, and where the Holy Spirit has taken charge at my request. This center of perfect love is in Chirst, with Christ, the Christ. It is blessed and surrounded and permeated by Source. (ref T18.I)
Is this not a true gift of peace from a loving God, from a Teacher (the Holy Spirit), and from a Friend (Jesus)? I see how if I grasp this inner relationship, I will project peace. I want to project peace more than I want to project fear. Projecting peace is sanity and it is provided by something other than the ego world. Jesus, I'm willing. Jesus, I accept your peace. Jesus, I am willing to be the means for peace to extend beyond me to my brother. Jesus, yes. Jesus, thank you!
I went on to college. There, at the suggestion of a physics professor, I read the huge physics tombs written by Feynman. Feynman shared a love of physics and opened the universe through applied mathmatics. I loved it.
Then, at the end of college I went to Israel. I came home wanting to know God. So I sat down with a Bible twice a day and studied.
Now I sit and study A Course in Miracles. The Course contains differentiation and integration, physics and holy scripture. It is the Voice of Jesus or The Holy Spirit or Self or Source. This morning, the Text gripped my imagination as I could see the way to Love and my role, not only for myself but also as a means for peace for everyone. Enthralled and enraptured by the Voice, I gave additional time to God. I gave additional time to meditation; sitting in the light, knowing it is real, knowing I yet sleep and dream of this ego world.
One way to hear God and live in the realm of the Spirit, is to turn off the ego world; literally stop listening to it. The ego world is but a projection. The projection I see is somewhat collective, but also it is mine. I admit that the fear and anger I see is mine; and I admit this to Jesus, holding it out to the light. The "financial crisis" is partly mine. But I have turned it off, including divesting myself of all "stock" in it, and turning off the radio. I am taking my own inventory and letting Jesus have my hate and fear.
I want to invest in something different. This morning, pondering the Text, I pondered the holy relationship. I had an interpretation of a holy relationship which I really can call an investment in something different, the realm of the Spirit; and it works for a contemplative, and for someone who lives in the world with others who have not heard what a holy relationship is, or who still believe this place is real, not an illusion. It is my interpretation of a real relationship; but if it makes sense, invest in it, take it to the bank, hold it safely within your mind. It will produce happy dreams and the awakening in Heaven.
My holy relationship: is my relationship with my brother, held in a perfect love on the holy ground within the inner radiance, and where the Holy Spirit has taken charge at my request. This center of perfect love is in Chirst, with Christ, the Christ. It is blessed and surrounded and permeated by Source. (ref T18.I)
Is this not a true gift of peace from a loving God, from a Teacher (the Holy Spirit), and from a Friend (Jesus)? I see how if I grasp this inner relationship, I will project peace. I want to project peace more than I want to project fear. Projecting peace is sanity and it is provided by something other than the ego world. Jesus, I'm willing. Jesus, I accept your peace. Jesus, I am willing to be the means for peace to extend beyond me to my brother. Jesus, yes. Jesus, thank you!
Monday, February 2, 2009
Happy Day
I came in to work thinking, "Wow, I feel good today." I do. I'm saying that now just in case Happy is infectious and you want to catch it.
The result of my morning spiritual study and meditation today was increased trust in Love. As usual, I brought my fear into the meditative light and allowed it to be treated. The meditative light heals sort of like UV light treats contaminated waste water. I bring my fears and hold them out and the light heals them.
I am certain I am on the spiritual path that was meant for me. I have the tools to remember God and know that I am spirit, not physical. I am learning that the world I see with my eyes is an illusion; and the real world is also seen, but not with physical eyes. Hence, I am learning to realize my problems are not real.
God is Love. I am determined to know this in this life.
The result of my morning spiritual study and meditation today was increased trust in Love. As usual, I brought my fear into the meditative light and allowed it to be treated. The meditative light heals sort of like UV light treats contaminated waste water. I bring my fears and hold them out and the light heals them.
I am certain I am on the spiritual path that was meant for me. I have the tools to remember God and know that I am spirit, not physical. I am learning that the world I see with my eyes is an illusion; and the real world is also seen, but not with physical eyes. Hence, I am learning to realize my problems are not real.
God is Love. I am determined to know this in this life.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Fear and Faith
I laid awake in the night last night. Fear gripped me. I had made a decision to stop investing in this world and I had decided that in the morning, I would go online and sell everything. I would then notify my investment advisor that our relationship was on hold for awhile. I felt bad about this, but I need to enter a new paradigm and stop living in the old one.
The fear is on the illusion level. In my troubled night, I continually sought the Light. I kept bringing the fear to Jesus. Jesus took my fear, but mentioned the need to invest in the Holy Spirit; and also mentioned the need to consider how this situation was part of my relationship with God; since this is my only real relationship.
I was reminded of pre-monastery, pre-2000. Before entering the convent, my financial projection looked like I could have a million dollars by the age of 45. I could retire to a life of scholarship and athleticism. Then, the possibility of entering religious life became feasible. Honestly, I viewed the convent as a secure place where I could have 3 hots and a cot for life. I could leave the world and never have financial insecurity. While I was in the convent, along came 9/11 and Enron. I scoffed. I was smug. Who cares about investments? I am safe and protected here in this big old institution, for life.
I never would have left the convent because I assumed my career was destroyed and I certainly didn't want to live in the world as a poor person. But God had other plans; and I got kicked out into the world. I lived for a year as a full time cashier with 2 other part time jobs. I learned a little about how to make your way in the world without the white collar career. But then God gave my career back and I have worked at it for the past 4 1/2 years. I re-started my dream of retiring at age 55 (not as rich as at 45) but still a doable situation if I had a part time job.
Along comes the "financial crisis." All my terror gets dropped in my lap. Last night, I realized I am called to solve the fear problem at its ego root and not just find a way to avoid it (which the convent was). The Holy Spirit would ask that I deal with the situation for His purpose and not my own. My mind is part of the entire mind of mankind and God Himself. I feel happy and honorable if I address the problem in a new paradigm; rather than just be afraid and insane. I need to employ the principles of A Course in Miracles to heal my thinking. That is the point: engage spiritual help because that is the only real reality.
In my own words I say: This world is an illusion made by an ego that wanted to be separate from God. Since an ego made this world, it is a disastrous delusion of fear, guilt and attack. Since I think the illusion is real, it effects me emotionally and I become enmeshed in fear, guilt and attack. Yet the ego is my ego and the world is my ego projection. So to change the world, I have to change my thinking.
I am really a spirit, an idea of love in the mind of God. The Holy Spirit is my constant Companion and Teacher. Christ is the depth of my being where all of our essences are continuously joined in the bliss of Heaven. There is no ego in the bliss of Heaven. Hence my path to Heaven involves dropping my ego's thinking in favor of the Holy Spirit's thinking. I am with Christ and in Christ and He is in me. We (all of us) are one. Essentially I am Christ. Here is where my faith must be.
So, the financial crisis is not real; even though I am experiencing the same depth of fear that most people are. I have to bring this fear to the Holy Spirit and ask what His purpose is. I am will to carry out my function as given by God. My function has far more to do with inner peace than shifting my worldly investments around.
From ACIM: "A situation is a relationship, being the joining of thoughts...The light of truth shines from the center of the situation, and touches everyone to whom the situation's purpose calls. It calls to everyone. There is no situation that does not involve your whole relationship (the one you have with God), in every aspect and complete in every part. You can leave nothing of yourself outside it and keep the situation holy. For it shares the purpose of your whole relationship, and derives its meaning from it...There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve....If you lack faith, ask that it be restored...the goal of holiness was set for your relationship, and not by you."
So I must find holiness, find Christ, in the financial crisis and in the fear of financial insecurity. Hidden in the situation is The Light. I must transcend my ego's thinking and join with the Holy Spirit's thinking. This shift of my investment strategy is the only thing I can do. I am investing in God and not my ego. The alternative is to die miserably terrified; without having accepted my responsibility.
The fear is on the illusion level. In my troubled night, I continually sought the Light. I kept bringing the fear to Jesus. Jesus took my fear, but mentioned the need to invest in the Holy Spirit; and also mentioned the need to consider how this situation was part of my relationship with God; since this is my only real relationship.
I was reminded of pre-monastery, pre-2000. Before entering the convent, my financial projection looked like I could have a million dollars by the age of 45. I could retire to a life of scholarship and athleticism. Then, the possibility of entering religious life became feasible. Honestly, I viewed the convent as a secure place where I could have 3 hots and a cot for life. I could leave the world and never have financial insecurity. While I was in the convent, along came 9/11 and Enron. I scoffed. I was smug. Who cares about investments? I am safe and protected here in this big old institution, for life.
I never would have left the convent because I assumed my career was destroyed and I certainly didn't want to live in the world as a poor person. But God had other plans; and I got kicked out into the world. I lived for a year as a full time cashier with 2 other part time jobs. I learned a little about how to make your way in the world without the white collar career. But then God gave my career back and I have worked at it for the past 4 1/2 years. I re-started my dream of retiring at age 55 (not as rich as at 45) but still a doable situation if I had a part time job.
Along comes the "financial crisis." All my terror gets dropped in my lap. Last night, I realized I am called to solve the fear problem at its ego root and not just find a way to avoid it (which the convent was). The Holy Spirit would ask that I deal with the situation for His purpose and not my own. My mind is part of the entire mind of mankind and God Himself. I feel happy and honorable if I address the problem in a new paradigm; rather than just be afraid and insane. I need to employ the principles of A Course in Miracles to heal my thinking. That is the point: engage spiritual help because that is the only real reality.
In my own words I say: This world is an illusion made by an ego that wanted to be separate from God. Since an ego made this world, it is a disastrous delusion of fear, guilt and attack. Since I think the illusion is real, it effects me emotionally and I become enmeshed in fear, guilt and attack. Yet the ego is my ego and the world is my ego projection. So to change the world, I have to change my thinking.
I am really a spirit, an idea of love in the mind of God. The Holy Spirit is my constant Companion and Teacher. Christ is the depth of my being where all of our essences are continuously joined in the bliss of Heaven. There is no ego in the bliss of Heaven. Hence my path to Heaven involves dropping my ego's thinking in favor of the Holy Spirit's thinking. I am with Christ and in Christ and He is in me. We (all of us) are one. Essentially I am Christ. Here is where my faith must be.
So, the financial crisis is not real; even though I am experiencing the same depth of fear that most people are. I have to bring this fear to the Holy Spirit and ask what His purpose is. I am will to carry out my function as given by God. My function has far more to do with inner peace than shifting my worldly investments around.
From ACIM: "A situation is a relationship, being the joining of thoughts...The light of truth shines from the center of the situation, and touches everyone to whom the situation's purpose calls. It calls to everyone. There is no situation that does not involve your whole relationship (the one you have with God), in every aspect and complete in every part. You can leave nothing of yourself outside it and keep the situation holy. For it shares the purpose of your whole relationship, and derives its meaning from it...There is no problem in any situation that faith will not solve....If you lack faith, ask that it be restored...the goal of holiness was set for your relationship, and not by you."
So I must find holiness, find Christ, in the financial crisis and in the fear of financial insecurity. Hidden in the situation is The Light. I must transcend my ego's thinking and join with the Holy Spirit's thinking. This shift of my investment strategy is the only thing I can do. I am investing in God and not my ego. The alternative is to die miserably terrified; without having accepted my responsibility.
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