Modern Life

The new veggie burger with plant blood...  ewwww! As an ethical vegetarian, the last thing I want is something bloody looking that tastes like meat.

The pill that reduces the effect of alcohol, so you don't drink as much. This product misses the point of Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a spiritual disease.

Continued to read "Waking Up" by Harris this morning. There was a bit on neuro-science. I have read about 4 books on neuro-philosophy, I finally get how there could be a consciousness which is unknown to the verbalizing left brain. I'm supported in my understanding that my brain is not consciousness. I'm glad the inklings I get from the quiet consciousness doesn't have to be tied to religion or to some massive emotional experience called "enlightenment." In fact, after at least 30 years of study and practice, I think it is a working part of my everyday life.

I can observe my left brain activity. Like, I am supposed to go to  department meeting next week. We were all asked to take a personality test (similar to Myers Briggs). I didn't want to cooperate. I hate those Myers Briggs labels. But I decided it wouldn't hurt to take the test and not report the findings. Then I saw the result. I clearly felt my decision change through the doorway of pride. I liked what the result said about me. I was proud. So I reported the information.

Wow! I think that is the first time I could so clearly see an ego decision.

What is more important though is that reading Waking Up, I now understand why I feel conflicted and confused about what I really want to do with my life: career and societal involvement vs silence and contemplation. I understand how it is that with my ego yelling negative information, I still do the ethical and nice thing. Self restraint does not come from my ego.

This week, because of my struggles over work, I was gifted with a new skill. When I feel upset, I notice my ego yelling at me about justified up-set-ness; and I kept asking why? The answer to "Why?" from the ego seems to be silence. I've not been that capable before.

It has been a week since I was forced to get an Apple ID and join the iphone world. I find that I use the phone the same as I did my BlackBerry: mostly to read work e-mails.

Running is fantastic. Houston is still freaking hot.

Free Will

Today was yet another attempt to practice anti-socialization, anti-dopamine reward cycle, ongoing attempt to break out of a society affected behavioral prison. Downward mobility in action.

Either I had a nice 16 mile trail run in a forest which I get to write in my log; and which I sensibly stopped when it seemed like I was damaging my left achilles. Good girl.

Or I am a failure because it was a 50k race which I didn't finish. The volunteers were disappointed and I have no medal to hang on my wall. Bad girl.

I came home and showered and laid on the bed. I decided not to make up a story about whether I was in enough pain to justify quitting. I decided just to feel my brain struggle to make excuses so I wouldn't get in trouble. With who? The Mommy and Daddy who live in my head.

After a nap, I picked up my neurophilosophy book "Brain Wise" and began to read. I read that most of us don't really have control over the choices and behaviors we exhibit. In fact, it takes an incredible act of self will to quit a race. In the ultra marathon economy, people keep going despite severe pain. Quitting as I did today is completely against the rules. Quitting goes against the ultra marathon tribe. Quitting makes visible the illusion: pushing thru the pain is good.

I know this because, now, several hours later, I'd say that there's nothing wrong with me a little NSAID won't fix. I'll be out there doing miles tomorrow. In my personal, non-dopamine reward economy, doing miles tomorrow takes priority over pleasing society today.

I'll hang my number (a white piece of tyvek with a 5 printed on it, nothing else) on the wall with the other medals and count it a neurophilosophical victory.

Fighting to have free will, I also made choices at work this week which didn't please Mommy or Daddy. One was I intentionally avoided kissing up to a high level manager. Another was I asked to start working a 9/80  schedule and take every other Friday off. My boss (Daddy) miraculously approved the request but did grumble some. See, most of our department works many hours every week but don't take the Friday off. Other departments, everyone is taking the Friday off, engineers and mid-level managers included. So I decided to join that group.

It is perhaps a change of life struggle, but I must go through it. I insist on being who I really am before I die.