The year’s most memorable running moments:
I don’t think it was the Boston qualifying marathon I ran. But I did enjoy telling everyone I had BQ’d.
I don’t think it was the 5:24 50k Frisco 50; or the 1:55 Olathe half marathon.
It could have been one of the mystical runs which took place in the early morning darkness in Atchison. Whether warm or cold, these runs were so magnificent.
It could have been the moment, after 6 hours of the Psycho Psummer, after running 5 hours on a sprained ankle, that I was laying face down in mud on a rock pile realizing that my leg just wasn’t going to hold me up and I’d have to quit at the next aid station.
It could have been the 50k training run I did a week after the Psycho in order to get revenge. I ran 50k on dirt roads in 6 hours. That afternoon, I spent laying on the bed, my legs covered in red splotches of heat rash and ice packs on both knees and ankles.
It could have been the 5 hour run I did in the extreme early morning because it was the day for my long run but I had a telephone interview scheduled at 10 am. I flubbed the interview.
It could have been the 4 hours in the pouring rain and cloudy darkness.
It could have been the 20 mile run where I saw a huge rat snake, a deer, a huge bull frog and a soaring hawk; or the day I faced down a skunk, or watched a sick looking fox, or the bald eagle cruising just above me.
It might have been the exploration run which ended at a dead end in a cow pasture; or the many times I ran down a straight dirt road, between tall corn with five or six deer flies attempting to bite me and cars every now and then dusting me out, with sweat dripping profusely.
It probably was not the 20 mile run I had in Koln, Germany. Except for being in Germany, that run was distinctively boring.
It probably wasn’t the last run I had in the park in Atchison after getting a new job and moving to Kansas City. I had spent 4 or 5 hours a day running in that park all summer while I was laid off; but now, it was the past. My life had moved on.
I don’t think it was the 2 mile run I ran with an extremely bruised toe and a huge pained grimace on my face; which toe had kept me out of the Kansas City marathon.
It could have been the day I had a magnificent open air dump, on top of a levy, surrounded by miles of flat fields and a sun coming up.
Was it the day I counted 20 bunny rabbits?
It could have been the day I ran sixteen 9 minute miles.
It could have been my first exploration run in Riverside; where I discovered a cool patio with a view behind an office building, several fountains, troll gate, the miniature space shuttle to the Northmore Castle, and the Northmore castle itself.
Or really, it was just this morning when I ran 40 minutes on the treadmill. I’m totally grateful for any run, any day, any time. Endorphins are my passion. Give me a stretch of road and I’ll happily run along it for as long as I can.
Showing posts with label 2009. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2009. Show all posts
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Reflecting on the Decade - 1
(I'm sure I'll have changes and additions to the minutes!)
12/24/99 – I ran away from Kansas City to the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration (BSPA). I sought contemplation; but immediately reverted to 4 years of people pleasing in order to get approved to stay. Everyone was worried about Y2K; but I was smug having left the world.
.
2000 – Lived as a volunteer with the BSPA at Sand Springs until September when I became a postulant and moved to Clyde.
2001 – 2002 – I finished one year of postulancy and began a 2 year novitiate. Somewhere in here, we had 9/11, Enron and the start of the Iraq war. I was smug about the financial disaster because I assumed I was safe in the monastery and guaranteed 3 hots and a cot for life. Reading "A Cave in the Snow" about Tiensin Palmo, I realized that eating meat affects the contemplative life; so I immediately gave up all meat and have not ate a scrap of it since then.
2003 – I completed the two year novitiate and got kicked out of the monastery the day before vows. The day before getting kicked out, I had a spiritual experience of an extraordinary variety whose message was: Love is the predominant mode of existence. The day after getting kicked out, in tears, I asked God, “Why me? Why do I have to leave?” He said, “Because you can deal with the hassles of life while still being contemplative and noticing my Presence. I need someone out here who can do that.” Driving away from the monastery, I realized how deeply I wanted monastic profession to validate me as a worthwhile person. Hence I began a journey of self value not tied to any authority. I moved back to KC and got a job at Panera as a cashier (talk about humility, a professional engineer working at a bagel place). I was active in St Therese parish with RCIA and Befriender’s. Rose was my spiritual guide. I also went to H&R Block tax school and reconnected with Compliance Engineering (part time).
2004 – During the winter, I worked as a tax preparer along with working at Panera and Compliance Engineering. I hated Camden apartment and bought a duplex in Chapel Woods. In October, I started work at MGP. God gave my environmental engineering career back. I cannot argue with this vocation. I have been a licensed Professional Engineer since I was 25, but never recognized it as my "profession."
2005 – Working at MGP. I was struggling with church authority and lust for Fr Mike; who kept putting his hands in places that agitated and confused me. In October, I bought the house in Atchison. I also walked out of church and didn’t go back. I began a solitary struggle with self. I worked through Catholic guilt, practiced fasting, sat on a cushion several hours a day and worked at becoming a solitary Essene.
2006 – Working at MGP. I heard of 3,100 Self Transcendence race and Suprabha Beckjord. I immediately upped my mileage and started running marathons and ultra-marathons. I wanted to find enlightenment in ultra-running.
2007 – Still working at MGP. Running a lot. Discovered A Course in Miracles (ACIM) in July. Fired Rose in September. I credit ACIM with so much emotional progress over the 2 ½ years I have worked with the material. I am not done with my journey but am light years from where I was at as I drove away from the monastery.
2008 – Still working at MGP. Broke my arm in March. Had surgery 3 times. Got a new car. Letting go of Christianity as a religion, it seemed like a massive people pleasing project. I have no problem relating to Jesus my Friend, the Holy Spirit my Teacher and Christ as the mystical divine being, the Son of God of which all humans are.
2009 – Turned 50. Ran a marathon in 3:57 (under 4 hours for the first time in my life). Worked at MGP until June. Laid off for nearly 3 months. Ran an average of 20 miles a day during my layoff. Sorted through my mental and spiritual baggage. Got a new job at Bayer starting in September: Senior Process Safety Engineer. Apartment in KC. Sold the Atchison house. Went to Germany. Bought a new Prius.
Reflection:
12/24/99 – I ran away from Kansas City to the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration (BSPA). I sought contemplation; but immediately reverted to 4 years of people pleasing in order to get approved to stay. Everyone was worried about Y2K; but I was smug having left the world.
.
2000 – Lived as a volunteer with the BSPA at Sand Springs until September when I became a postulant and moved to Clyde.
2001 – 2002 – I finished one year of postulancy and began a 2 year novitiate. Somewhere in here, we had 9/11, Enron and the start of the Iraq war. I was smug about the financial disaster because I assumed I was safe in the monastery and guaranteed 3 hots and a cot for life. Reading "A Cave in the Snow" about Tiensin Palmo, I realized that eating meat affects the contemplative life; so I immediately gave up all meat and have not ate a scrap of it since then.
2003 – I completed the two year novitiate and got kicked out of the monastery the day before vows. The day before getting kicked out, I had a spiritual experience of an extraordinary variety whose message was: Love is the predominant mode of existence. The day after getting kicked out, in tears, I asked God, “Why me? Why do I have to leave?” He said, “Because you can deal with the hassles of life while still being contemplative and noticing my Presence. I need someone out here who can do that.” Driving away from the monastery, I realized how deeply I wanted monastic profession to validate me as a worthwhile person. Hence I began a journey of self value not tied to any authority. I moved back to KC and got a job at Panera as a cashier (talk about humility, a professional engineer working at a bagel place). I was active in St Therese parish with RCIA and Befriender’s. Rose was my spiritual guide. I also went to H&R Block tax school and reconnected with Compliance Engineering (part time).
2004 – During the winter, I worked as a tax preparer along with working at Panera and Compliance Engineering. I hated Camden apartment and bought a duplex in Chapel Woods. In October, I started work at MGP. God gave my environmental engineering career back. I cannot argue with this vocation. I have been a licensed Professional Engineer since I was 25, but never recognized it as my "profession."
2005 – Working at MGP. I was struggling with church authority and lust for Fr Mike; who kept putting his hands in places that agitated and confused me. In October, I bought the house in Atchison. I also walked out of church and didn’t go back. I began a solitary struggle with self. I worked through Catholic guilt, practiced fasting, sat on a cushion several hours a day and worked at becoming a solitary Essene.
2006 – Working at MGP. I heard of 3,100 Self Transcendence race and Suprabha Beckjord. I immediately upped my mileage and started running marathons and ultra-marathons. I wanted to find enlightenment in ultra-running.
2007 – Still working at MGP. Running a lot. Discovered A Course in Miracles (ACIM) in July. Fired Rose in September. I credit ACIM with so much emotional progress over the 2 ½ years I have worked with the material. I am not done with my journey but am light years from where I was at as I drove away from the monastery.
2008 – Still working at MGP. Broke my arm in March. Had surgery 3 times. Got a new car. Letting go of Christianity as a religion, it seemed like a massive people pleasing project. I have no problem relating to Jesus my Friend, the Holy Spirit my Teacher and Christ as the mystical divine being, the Son of God of which all humans are.
2009 – Turned 50. Ran a marathon in 3:57 (under 4 hours for the first time in my life). Worked at MGP until June. Laid off for nearly 3 months. Ran an average of 20 miles a day during my layoff. Sorted through my mental and spiritual baggage. Got a new job at Bayer starting in September: Senior Process Safety Engineer. Apartment in KC. Sold the Atchison house. Went to Germany. Bought a new Prius.
Reflection:
- I still get agitated over BSPA. My ego hates that I don’t get to wear the nun credentials on my sleeve.
- I still seek to know God deeper. God has been my quest for all my adult life and I consider myself dedicated to spirituality.
- I run as much as I want. I have the ethos of an athlete, despite never being elite at any sport. The qualities of character which make someone a world class athlete run rampant in me. I have to really watch what I eat.
- I still fear what others think of me and I am a fearful person. Despite magnificent spirituality and emotional growth, I feel like a loser.
- Having spent the past ten years marginalizing myself from ordinary life. I can no longer relate to other people. I still feel under-currents of hate for the unconscious normal people and continuously take my inventory, giving such ill feelings to Jesus.
- I still seek wisdom in solitude. I have an ethos of guilt for my alternative lifestyle (running, contemplative solitude and A Course in Miracles).
- When I remember (and/or decide), I can connect with the Presence of Love; as well as see the Face of Christ in others. I am a person more blessed with the Presence than anyone I have ever met; yet I still hear my ego hammering away at me.
So be it! Life is.
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