I have been working on my psychological issues the past month or so. I've made progress in becoming conscious of how co-dependence feels. Now that I know how it feels, I know when I am sinking into it and about to NEED remediation. Since I am now aware, the remediation doesn't have to be unconscious reacting but conscious self care.
And so, there is the topic of inner outrage. I've been listening to it. As I ran this morning, this is what I thought. I think at some point as a toddler, I became outraged at being in a human body. I think all toddlers have this problem. But at some point later, I became outraged at what horrible parents I had. Outraged that had to be turned inward, since I had no place to go. I came squirting out of my family with a diagnosis of PTSD. But, unconscious of how that was affecting me.
And, throughout my life, I've looked out at the world and been outraged at the other humans. Very few of the humans were worthy of respect. Then sometimes I got caught. Some individual human became a parent figure and I began to live my life before them as a child. I was trying to do what I could to get their positive attention; then feeling massively bad if that didn't happen, or worse, criticized. Then, damage control kicked in with even greater attempts at approval. Hyper-vigilant is what I realize I am. Forever looking out for danger and enacting protective mechanisms of various sorts.
So, I can see this in my life now. And now, I am conscious of it. So I want to be free. I want to be me, the real me, not some doll that only lives to dance before others.
What do "I" want? What would I say if I wasn't reading it from a book? I asked this in my meditation this morning. I then remembered, I want to live a life of prayer. Then I thought about how I need to consciously make everything I do part of the prayer. It seemed possible. To live a life of prayer is what I call spiritual. Not saying words and asking God for things. More like awareness of the partnership, the communion.