Sunday, December 27, 2015

2015 Holiday Musings

2015 is not over. Already, I've run more than 3,000 miles this year. That is more than the Race
Across the US (from Santa Monica to the Empire State Building).

Its not my biggest mileage year ever; but one of the best in several years. This goes with 11 full marathons and 4 half marathons finished. I had really good fun at the Miracle Match Marathon in Waco, The Woodlands Marathon, The Irving Marathon, The Fort Worth Marathon and the Houston Running Festival marathon. I wasn't thrilled with The Galveston Marathon, the Seabrook Lucky Trails marathon or The Maryville Marathon.

This year I got to spend 2 nights at the convent where I used to be an inmate.

This year, I was promoted to Subject Matter Expert at work. It was sort of like being named franchise player. Somehow, our work group and 2 very new people and 2 sort of new people and 2 who are experts. Our company was spun off from its parent this year. We have a new completely new name.

This year I: started making all my own bread, all my own peanut butter, grinding my own coffee, making my own beans. So I don't participate in the commercialization of these products. I'm looking for more ways to remove myself from aspects of the grid.

Like, I didn't and won't see Star Wars. I haven't seen a movie in more than 15 years. I don't own a TV. There are many other ways I don't participate in society. I keep hoping this will free my mind to think outside the bell curve of American thinking, and reduce my overall stress since I am not aware of propaganda the media broadcasts. As if broadcasting was a net that didn't catch me.

This year, I celebrated 30 years of sobriety. I am incredibly thankful to have lived a sober life. I think of the decades of misery I've been spared and gratitude fills me.

I realized the truth of why I am single. I think I knew it; but it was too easy to blame men for thinking I'm not very attractive. But this year, 2 guys wanted to get to know me better. The second one was a nice guy I know well and would get along with. But when he asked me out, I was not at all thrilled. I experienced terror. Terror of having someone in my life. I am so not a care taker. I don't relate to being a wife or even a feminine person at all. The result of any relationship is that I decide I can't have that person around and in my way; so I push them out, and that hurts. So I don't get involved at all.

As I explored this terror, I realized that I am married to 2 ideas which leave very little room for another person. One is the idea of metaphysics, which takes a large amount of alone time to study and meditate. The other is the idea of athlete. Not only do I run but I cross train and lift weights and eat only certain things. I really don't want to be continuously adjusting my life and my space for another person.

I look back on 2014 as a horrible emotional year. Menopause was continuing to kick my butt. I look back on 2015 as a successful and fun year. I did well.

Well,  am almost 57. My biggest challenge appears to be training new engineers at work. I plan to continue to pursue ultra-marathoning later in the year. In the mean time, between now and April, I'm signed up for 8 races.

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