I am in College Station at a professional conference. I unexpectedly found that my future boss and 2 colleagues are here. An example of how little we communicate that I didn't know any of them were coming. I have put on dress pants for the first time in over a year. The women's 10s from Talbot are way too big. The men's 32x32 are also too big but fit better than the womens cuz they don't have the wide hips. I don't have wide hips. I also don't like womens pants as they are nowadays which only come up to the hips. Um no, I am an engineering professional and I don't wear pants half way down my butt.
I am reading a book called "Glittering Vices." It is a very interesting look at the seven capital vices. It is spiritually deep as it integrates monastic desert spirituality and Aquinas and modern day influences. I am finding it really hits home in explaining how I feel.
Envy is really a symptom of feeling worthless and needing to be superior to mask that feeling. "...defining envy as dissatisfaction with our place in God's order of creation, manifested in begrudging his gifts to others." When an envier does "win" she still does not have what she needs: "... a secure, non-contingent, unconditional sense of her own worth.....the cure for envy requires getting out of the comparative game of engineering self-worth altogether."
A Course in Miracles also offers explanations of envy related to the ego; and offers a spiritual correction for the situation. Other metaphysical methodologies would offer meditation and changing your thoughts.
For now, I am glad to be exploring and defining my envy. I am glad to name it and put it out there where I can see it. Now that I am hip to the situation, I don't have to react to it. I have taken my power back.