Heartland 50 - Prelude

This morning, I read this in book 5 of Brunton: "The words of the book can carry you to a certain point in consciousness. When this is reached you can go farther and higher only by closing the book! It has served you well but you must now turn to a new source. Let thoughts come into quietude; intuition will take their place: a holy presence will be felt: surrender to it."

This is a good jumping off place as I get ready for my Dark Night of the Prairie.

It is 11 am. I got out of bed at 9 am. Those people running 100 miles started their race at 6 am. Some of them will finish their 100 miles not too long after I start my 50 miles. Our quests are of course much different.

I am a 52 yo lady who jog walks her way along for hours, hoping for the mental fortitude to keep going for as long as it takes. It is not a pretty sight but somehow, I keep doing it. As I head off into the night, I'll practice the now. I'll need to let go of how slow I am. I'll need to let go of my move to Texas. I'll need to keep my mind on the Great Silence which will be so apparent if I allow It to have the space in my consciousness.

Bits and Pieces of Humility

Today at work, an elderly Indian colleague stopped by my office. He explained how he and I were the only vegetarians at the upcoming meeting. He had checked out the lunch buffet and menu and ordered us both spinach salads. He asked if that was ok with me. I was in awe. For once, I was happy to be lumped in with him as different than the crowds. I was planning to eat salad off the buffet, but he told me that would be junky and he knew I wouldn't want it. Wow, someone understands me.

My new boss in Texas e-mailed to find out where I was looking for a home. I answered. She replied that it sounded good and to let her know if I needed anything. Interesting. Me and my move to Texas is on her mind.

As a matter of fact, my company's relocation program has provided an army of people to help me move. It is quite amazing.

This evening, after a little high carb eating, my changing female body has decided to have swollen ankles. I've never had that before. It makes me wonder if I can run a 50 mile endurance run tomorrow night. Oh well, if I decide to turn around at some point, it doesn't matter. In the mean time, I'll drink water and vow to stay on my diet.

When you see others helping you, when you see you are not in control, pause. Seek silence. Say what ever prayer to what ever higher power. Surrender. Lie down in the humility of the moment.

I still stand on the other side of main stream spirituality. I've left the known world. I really don't know. I find comfort in the pause.

Heartland 50 - Spirit of the Prairie

This morning, I did 30 minutes on my Nordic track ski machine and then I went for a 5 mile run. I feel good this evening, no little pains in my legs. I've been resting up a tiny bit for my 50 mile run on Saturday night.

During my meditation this morning, I had to ask myself, "Why have I signed up for a 50 miles race which starts at 6 pm and which will take me all night?" Why walk/jog 50 miles across a Kansas prairie at all, let alone at night? What is the point?

Then, in my silence I found what I need. Let me try to explain.

See, I also realized this morning that I am on the edge of fad spirituality. I have tried all the gimmicks and methods and dogmas meant to bring a person to enlightenment or Jesus or whatever-you-call-it. And now I stand on the edge of desolation. There are no more methodologies. There either is spirit or there isn't. All I have is the period.

In such a position, there is nothing left but to walk through the dark night.  I own up to the fact that I am an emotionally troubled person. I express ownership through a dark night endeavor. And that is all I am going to do; walk/jog all night along an endlessly boring dirt road. I'm truly excited (not joking).

RIP...

Just heard Steve Jobs died. Age 56.

I am moving with my job to Texas. Today, the relocation program got started. I suddenly have a small army of people helping me with explanations of benefits, mortgages, home finding, moving, etc. Many colleagues stopping by my office.

My body is out of control, changing right now.

To top it off for this week, I guess I'll spend Saturday night walking 50 miles across the Kansas prairie. I'm not sure why I signed up for this, but I hope I don't chicken out (which happens alot).

Satanic Verses

Salman Rushdie wrote this book, causing controversy among religious people.

I know nothing of Islam. My interest in the book is in the book itself. I first read it about 5 or 6 years ago. I didn't understand any of it and gave it to Goodwill. I bought it again a couple of years ago and still didn't get it. I am now reading it for the third time and I am now at least making associations between characters and discovering patterns. I am picking up on layers of realities and able to learn more about metaphysics that way.

In a subtle way, my life is just as mixed up at the characters in this book; and I need to admit how my life is influenced by others both past and present.

No Rewards

Silence does not bring satisfaction of the dopamine reward cycle. Normal consciousness relies on the dopamine reward cycle for everything. Is it possible for a human to free them self of the dopamine reward cycle?

Maybe some of those monks have achieved it. Not the ones seeking enlightenment; because I believe that the enlightenment experience is an overdose of dopamine, if it does not produce lasting changes in life. In the monastery I lived in, competition and position and severe ego pain reigned among those sisters still mentally alive. Among those of dead consciousness, enclosure in religion was solace for the pain.

There is a higher consciousness than dopamine. But the ego does not want it because it does not bring the dopamine reward feeling. It brings inner peace.

There is no trick to finding this higher consciousness. One must want it and be willing to turn to it, instead of ego rewards. Everyone is equal in this ability. No one need find a guru or live in a monastery or belong to a certain religion or be saved by Jesus.

I keep up this practice. This turning to my inner being is what keeps me from going insane. See, other people are involved in the course of my life. The best I can do is let go. I can't afford the negative thoughts tinged with resentment and fear. I can only afford turning inward and seeking silence.

It is a beautiful day outside. I think I will load up the Nathan and go for an urban hike. I'm too lazy to drive to a park, or don't want to spend the 20 minutes on driving there.

I have mentioned I am entered in a 50 mile race next Saturday night. Well, if it is raining I might not go. But it is yet one more opportunity to patiently plod along for an ungodly long time, through the Kansas night. Accomplishing 50 miles, but also accomplishing nothing. See, I'll collect my finisher's medal; then get in the car and go home. Then move on to whatever is next. Running love is in the daily, not the races. Races only feed the ego. The daily is where my value is gained.

The Smallness

I was pondering this morning on the potential life change which may or may not be coming. I realized that my career is where most of my ego trauma comes from. And ego trauma is a good thing in the spiritual scheme of things. To survive the severe or painful ego deflation, however, I turn to whatever higher self there is. See, I'm not in control of my life in the sense that I can stop the movie. Perhaps I can watch a better movie. But best is to realize it is a movie and not identify with it. I relinquish control to whatever higher self there is. I turn to that higher self and ask for guidance. I ask myself, "What would a higher self be thinking which I am not thinking right now." And out pops a new reality. Even if I am wrong about the existence of my higher self, this exercise of wondering about it's thoughts delivers my consciousness to a higher one. Spiritual progress is gloaming on to this higher way of thinking early in the morning and continuing to look for it all day.

I got in a good 19 mile run today.