Satisfaction

Satisfaction with yourself and your life, that is the dilemma of my generation.

We began with Vietnam, women's lib, black panthers and peoples park. Then, we became white collar yuppies because money helped a lot. We raised kids in protective custody since those child molesters were out there. We divorced.

I never partook of family life, marriage and parenthood. But I got the money. I joined the running boom and never left it. Now, 3 decades after college, what of my life?

My life has shaped its meaning around a search for God and for self esteem. As I sit here now, I can consciously grasp admiration for myself. I came from an impossibly alcoholic and dysfunctional home. I made the best of college and was employed. I began a spiritual path.  I got sober. I lived four years in a monastery.

The real story is inside. Do I love myself today? Today, right now this morning, I realized that I need to feel satisfaction with and for and as that soul which has adventured through this world in its own way. I look at my life and all its emotional journeys and admire all that I have done and been. The thing about this morning is that I realized that being dis-satisfied with myself has been a lurking secret inside. A secret, a whisper. A tiny grain of self hate always lodged in my energy pattern, always irritating. But as soon as I felt it, it vanished. When I look consciously, there is nothing about me to hate. That soul which I am is fantastic. That soul which I am has had a great life. My life long spiritual life has brought me to this moment: satisfaction with the soul that I am. My own soul is good enough. My soul is loving.

To be satisfied with my own self, has always been an available choice or decision to feel good. The problem has always been that I didn't know it was up to me. I looked out at the world and was jealous of seemingly better people. I didn't know that I could at any moment, grasp my own inner being and feel love. And maybe this morning was my most conscious ever realization that I was secretly feeling dis-satisfied with myself but could just turn that around in a heart beat. My secret, now not a secret, was killing me. I'm glad that I don't have to go out today and feel dis-satisfied.

I admire the inner me and all my life's exterior journeys.

Today, when I stand at the window at Starbucks and hand out wonderful drinks, the smile will also beam its way into the heart of the people I meet. I hope they feel good by osmosis. My smile will be genuine.