I am reading a book about the joy of retirement. It says that one reason people fail at early retirement is that their buddies are at work and they miss them when they retire. On the other hand, it says that one reason people retire early is that the people at work are an irritation. These are seemingly contradictory reasons. Two camps of people.
I am in the camp that would be glad to be rid of the people at work. Not because they are bad people; they are a very nice group of people. But because I am never my real self when I am around them. For instance, the depth of spirituality I experience in the fellowship is incredible. But the fact that I am a recovered alcoholic at all must be hidden from the people at work.
For instance, my boss is a very competitive man. So if I allow my natural creativity and quick thinking to come out, he squelches it. He has to win against me. Work coaches say that I should sell my ideas in some undercover way so my boss accepts it. So, guess what that means? It means I can't just freely be myself. Politics and corporate hierarchy cause people to not be themselves.
The whole spiritual side of my life is hidden from the people at work. Is that necessary? Well it is until I can figure out if someone there has any sort of practice close to mine. So far I have noticed one person who belongs to an alternative church and we are inching towards more disclosure. Perhaps if there is someone else, they are hiding as much as I am.
There is my problem of being gender non-conforming. As far as I can tell, all the people are normal heterosexuals with statistically normal families. Suburban families all the way. Divorces here and there as you might expect.
There is the problem of being an ultra-marathoner. You know, I don't run for training or for running races. I run for quasi spiritual reasons. I can't discuss with someone who never exercises at all exactly what is going on with my workout regime.
For my whole career, I've not related well to the people at work. For most of my career, I worked with white males. I had no interest in golf or fishing or hunting or football. So these were nice guys but not my buddies.
So for me, yes I am tired of not being myself most of the time. My handicap is that I don't really know what it is like to be me around other people. The true inner me wants to be alive. Where should I go? Is it possible in a corporation?