This blog has been a bit silent. That is because it is summer. No racing during the summer. The Self Transcendence Race is over. There is only sweaty slow miles eeked out of stubborn-ness.
I have had a 4 day weekend. It came on the heels of a long discussion with my boss labeled "performance." As an imperfect person, having a discussion with another imperfect person, it would be impossible for my ego not to fight about it. So I entered a long weekend in emotional turmoil. Mentally, my ego was attacking all of my colleagues for one reason or another. I grabbed my spiritual tools.
I am reading A Course in Miracles for about the 10th time. It's words are a healing soothing balm.What am I thinking that God would not have thought? What would God have thought which I am not thinking? Can I change my mind to think with God's. Also on Friday, Ekart Tolle's "Stillness Speaks" arrived. Tolle teaches about separating your self from the ego yammering. Not new information, but I get sucked surely into the ego's reality time after time. It ruin's my life. Mixed in here are techniques to cleanse my energy.
A phrase from ACIM: Let the Holy One shine on you in peace. Let every voice but God's be still in me.
My mind is full of thoughts about running away from my life. I check LinkedIn. Where can I get a job? I know in my heart it wouldn't fix anything and I'd surely take a huge pay cut. Also, keep in mind, my ego is freaking out over nothing. It is my nature.
I sat this morning during my spiritual time. I knew the ego's hatred was there. I wondered when my spirituality was going to solve this problem. I felt defeated.
I went running. The miles were hot. My ego was mentally attacking my boss and other colleagues. I kept noticing and then saying one of my ACIM phrases. At some point I degenerated into a mantra, "Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us."
Then very quietly. I thought, "I am spiraling into depression." Then, "My ego is having a melt down." Then, "Yes, your ego is having a melt down, but you aren't." Quietly but suddenly, for the first time that I can remember, there was a separation between me and my ego. Suddenly, the meltdown had no power. I felt ok. My turmoil is only co-dependency.
Now you need to know, this was a small moment, entirely mental, with no outward activity. I was just doing my miles and living the inner mental reality. I give credence to that one thought which defeated the emotional break down. I had a reality other than the ego one. For once, I didn't get myself "all worked up" for no reason.
I don't know how my work life will go tomorrow or the next day. Technically, I am super. But getting along with others is a problem. My ego wishes there were no other people. How do I live with that? I can see it but not get it to stop. Don't dwell on it. Instead, speak one of the ACIM phrases. Just choose ACIM.